Kelly the Dateless Wonder, a Humorous Internal Monologue

This is just stupid. Yet again, I could not find one lousy person to come with me to see these plays. I mean, admittedly I did kind of wait till the last second to start asking people. I didn't know I was going to come until 3 minutes before I was on the road heading to campus. But still, are none of my guy friends as impulsive as I am? Are none of them able to change plans at a moment's notice? Are none of them able to to drop everything to go on an adventure like I do? I either need to get more things to do or get less ambitious friends...

Of course, there have been times when I have planned way in advance to attend a play or some other event, only to either have my request for accompaniment politely declined or canceled at the last moment. However, the fact I don't know a terrible amount of guys here in Provo does contribute to the small number of options to choose from. Okay, I do know a fair amount of guys here but that number is reduced to guys I have contact information (which are arranged in the following hierarchy: cell phone numbers, facebook friends, email, have a class together, occasionally see walking the halls). That number is further reduced to guys who do not completely drive me insane, guys who don't illicit me to get so angry at them, I want to punch them in the face, and guys where I would rather dig my ovaries out with a spoon than go out with them again. Now that is a small number, I assure you.

Is there something wrong with me that makes me unable to secure one lousy date to one lousy event? Do I smell? No, I don't think so. Even though I am not a fan of showering (it just takes too much goddamn time!) I do it every day or every other day if I can manage it. Plus I am a perfume/scented lotion whore. I think I might have a slight phobia when it comes to how I smell so I'm always putting on perfume or scented lotion or what-have-you.

Am I physically unattractive? I mean, I admit I have put on some weight since high school. But I graduated five years ago. Who hasn't? Besides, when you combine my severe, burning hatred of exercise with the fact my main source of energy is Mountain Dew, there are bound to be some negative side-effects. Maybe my clothes are cute enough... This is a definite possibility. I tend to rather spend my hard earned wages on things that matter, like books & movies, than on clothes. I hate clothes shopping and I hate spending a ton of money on clothes. I'm slowly discovering that the cuter the clothes, the more expensive the are to purchase and I am just not willing to drop $100 on a pair of stupid jeans. (dropping $100 on a stack of books/comic books is a different matter)

Maybe I'm just too much for guys. It wouldn't be the first time. Remember when Greg broke up with me and I was talking to Gus afterward. I asked Gus why he thought Greg broke up with me and he said, "I think you were just too...much for Greg." (it should be noted that the ellipsis (...) was more like a thirty-second pause than just a moment of hesitation) I can be a little "much," whatever that implies. I mean, yes, I am assertive, self-confident and bold. I am also intelligent, feisty, and passionate. And I do have a habit of being strong-willed and even stubborn at times. I'm the type of girl who knows what she wants, knows how she can get it, and is very used to getting her own way. I guess that could be somewhat off-putting for guys. Hell, it could be off-putting for anyone, male or female. Maybe guys are intimidated by my passionate, self-assured personality. Or maybe they're intimidated by my intelligence.

Or maybe I'm just too awkward to function and they don't want to be seen with this train-wreck. I mean, let's face it. I can't go one day without putting my foot in my mouth somehow. Or what about the fact I can ramble on & on about a subject that no one else knows anything about and is not the least bit interested (see: American literature post-1865, American beat poetry, Quentin Tarantino films, Chuck Palahniuk books, serial killers, Russian literature, my argument about how batman is not a superhero but just a hero, feminism in the 1950s-1970s vs. today, my dog Randy, etc.)?  Or the fact that during a conversation, I'm going seven different directions at once and, while I will eventually get back to my original point, I expect my fellow conversationalist to follow me on my confusing conversational journey? Or what about the fact I tend to talk exceedingly fast (and think even faster) and I get super annoyed if I have to reexplain myself or my thought process?

I think I'm beginning to see why I am always the dateless wonder...

Oh, well. No more time to think about it now. The first play is starting.

Love you.
Mean it.

I Am Resolved

It looks like I was so busy writing an article about New Year Resolutions, (which can be read here) I forgot to make some of my own. There's probably some irony in there somewhere...

Anyway, as for resolutions, I'm not sure what I should resolve to do. I don't want to make any lofty promises to myself that, in a year, I'll look back at and laugh at my idiotic idealism. Of course, I don't want to just keep living my life the way it is without some vague attempt at self-improvement. So here they are, the five goals I am resolved to keep.

1. Write something (on this blog or in my journal or for the Review or just in my notebook) five days out of the week.
2. Don't get anything lower than a B in all of my classes.
3. Be less egotistical (this is going to be hard considering how freaking awesome I am).
4. Say "yes" to more experiences and adventures.
5. Be more bold when it comes to meeting new people and being outgoing.

That seems like enough. Let's not get too over-the-top excited about self-improvement.

Love you.
Mean it.

Things People Have Said That Made Me Laugh Part 2

Amber McNew: You crazy Canuck!
Ashley McNew: I'm not Jewish!

Brad Aukschun: If you steal from a church, no matter what the denomination, I'm pretty sure you're going to hell.

Bryan Shumway: I like Spanish Kelly. It's Fun!

Bryan Shumway: Kathy, I don't understand. You had 12 kills, yet you're still negative seven.

Bryan Shumway: I do not support people over $25.

Cindy Cannon: Get off of me, you emotionally imbalanced girl!

Greg Cannon: Stop pinching me!
Ali Cannon: Well, stop farting in my face!

Winston: What are you going to do? Put a gun to his head?
Guerrero: What's wrong with putting a gun to his head? A lot of productive things have happened by putting a gun to someone's head.
(From the show Human Target)

Jacob Ludlow: This is a judgment-free zone, but let's try not to make it confusing.

Jacob Ludlow: Okay, guys. Be normal for just a second!

John-Ross Boyce: I am the hydra of disdain.

John-Ross Boyce: It's like eating bad meatloaf while watching a NCIS marathon.

Kelly Cannon: You lied to me. You said a woodchipper wasn't involved.

Michelle Galbraith: Nothing like jeans inside of a onesie.

Mindy Haward & Kelly Cannon: The Culture Section--if it's not awesome, we're not there.

Natalie: You were probably just bisexual for a half-hour.

Unknown Newsroom Person 1: Where does the BYU newspaper get their budget from?
Unknown Newsroom Person 2: Mormons.

Robbie Pierce: Quick! Crush the recorder!
Eric Phillips: Did you say recorder or reporter?
Robbie Pierce: Does it matter?

Rikki: You're a bad feminist.

Mindy Haward: Dave wants us to push Oklahoma in the next issue. And by push, I mean promote the shit out of it.

Augustus Johnson: Actually, that's creepily optimistic coming from you. Quick, say something miserable!
Kelly Cannon: Uh...Puppies grow up, grow old, and die?

Augustus Johnson (upon finding out it's my birthday): Shit. Is it the 17th already?! Crap. Oh well. Happy Birthday!!! Welcome to the happy ranks of the 23 year olds!

Augustus Johnson (during a discussion on how to spell Okay Dokay): Isn't it "okey dokey?" Shit. Now they both look weird.

Jonathan Timothy (responding to a text I sent saying I was hopeless): You?!? Noooo. The Kelly I know doesn't give up that easily. Who is this?

Love you.
Mean it.

160 Movies I Love, Presented Without Comment or Explanation (in no particular order)

1. Citizen Kane
2. Casablanca
3. Psycho (1960)
4. The Godfather
5. The Godfather Part II
6. On the Waterfront
7. It's a Wonderful Life
8. Sleuth (2007)
9. Some Like it Hot
10. Airplane
11. Babe
12. Annie Hall
13. Big Fish
14. Fargo
15. The Birds
16. Boondock Saints
17. The Bourne Trilogy
18. The Brothers Bloom
19. Crazy Heart
20. The Departed
21. Sunset Boulevard
22. Kick-Ass
23. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
24. Dr. Strangelove
25. Empire Records
26. Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas
27. Smokin Aces
28. To Kill a Mockingbird
29. Rear Window
30. North by Northwest 
31. True Grit (2010)
32. Black Swan
33. Big Jake
34. Taxi Driver
35. Accepted
36. Live Free or Die Hard
37. Jaws
38. The Great Dictator 
39. Modern Times
40. The Gold Rush
41. Benny & Joon
42. Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid
43. Fight Club
44. Frost/Nixon
45. Forrest Gump
46. Gangs of New York
47. Garden State
48. Singin' in the Rain
49. Gladiator 
50. No Country for Old Men
51. Raiders of the Lost Ark
52. Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade
53. Dirty Harry
54. I.Q.
55. While You Were Sleeping
56. 10 Things I Hate About You
57. Stagecoach
58. Silence of the Lambs
59. Gran Torino
60. Goodfellas
61. Stranger than Fiction
62. Anchorman
63. Reservoir Dogs
64. Pulp Fiction
65. Kill Bill
66. Kill Bill Part II
67. Inglourious Basterds 
68. Sin City
69. Once Upon a Time in Mexico
70. Star Trek
71. Ben-Hur
72. Unforgiven
73. Zombieland
74. Good Will Hunting
75. Gone Baby Gone
76. Lucky # Slevin
77. Green Street Hooligans
78. Hellboy
79. Hero
80. The Hurt Locker
81. The Shawshank Redemption
82. 12 Angry Men
83. Rudy
84. Braveheart
85. Hotel Rwanda
86. Arsenic and Old Lace
87. Gladiator
88. The Court Jester
89. Chinatown
90. Ferris Bueler's Day Off
91. What's Up, Doc?
92. The Gods Must Be Crazy
93. The Trouble with Harry
94. Wait Until Dark
95. On Golden Pond
96. A Lion in Winter (1968)
97. The Glass Menagerie
98. The Rainmaker (1956)
99. The Invention of Lying
100. Kung Fu Panda
101. Lars and the Real Girl
102. Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels
103. The Magnificent Seven
104. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
105. It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, World
106. No Time for Sergeants
107. What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
108. Gattica 
109. Reality Bites
110. Strangers on a Plane
111. Moon
112. Ocean's 11 & 13 (screw 12)
113. Pan's Labyrinth 
114. Pineapple Express
115. The Princess Bride
116. Reign of Fire
117. A Scanner Darkly
118. Serenity
119. Secret Window
120. Shaun of the Dead
121. Snatch
122. Stardust
123. Super Troopers
124. Sunshine Cleaning
125. Taming of the Shrew (1976, Not the Elizabeth Taylor version)
126. Toy Story 1, 2, 3
127. Finding Nemo
128. Underworld 
129. The Untouchables
130. V for Vendetta
131. Romeo + Juliet 
132. A-Team
133. Batman 
134. Batman Returns
135. The Dark Knight
136. Date Night
137. Despicable Me
138. Doubt
139. Easy A
140. Howl
141. How to Train Your Dragon
142. Inception
143. The Machinist
144. Memento
145. Monsters vs. Aliens
146. Newsies
147. The Other Guys
148. Get Smart
149. RED
150. Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
151. Tangled
152. The Hunt for Red October
153. Baby Mama
154. Mean Girls
155. The Proposal
156. Invictus
157. Waiting...
158. Alien & Aliens
159. Die Hard
160. Casino Royale

Love you.

Mean it. 

Unabashed Honesty

Last night, I gave you a ride into Provo.

I've only seen you on occasion when we both happen to be working. But you've always made me laugh my favorite kind of laugh--a loud burst and then a sudden urge to stop being so loud since it may not be appropriate to laugh at such a comment. It reminds me of this friend (more than a friend, really) that I used to have. He could always get me to laugh like that.

I was surprised by how easy conversation came between the two of us. Maybe I'm just used to guys whose conversation skills are that of a highly intelligent rock. But what struck me was how real and genuine you were. I rarely meet anyone with that kind of unabashed honesty. It was refreshing and invigorating. There was no embarrassment from you telling me these personal stories and there was no embarrassment from me listening to them. I hope you understand how rare that is, especially from two people who don't know each other on any level deeper than acquaintance.

The more you talked about your life, the more intriguing you became to me. There was this underlying sadness yet tenderness within you that began to show itself the more you talked. I am a cynical when it comes to most things but listening to you, I could tell you are more than anything a good person who wants to do right.

I'm glad I gave you a ride into Provo and we had a chance to talk. It's always relieving to find someone who thinks and feels the same way I do. It helps make the idea of tomorrow that much more bearable.

Love you.
Mean it.

"Don't Do Anything Stupid."

"Don't do anything stupid."

I'd tell you that anytime we had to say goodbye. Even if I was just going to class and we were going to see each other later that night, I'd still say that. I figured it covered all the bases when it came to taking care of yourself. When I would write you emails that you would read in Iraq, I'd end them with the same line.

"Don't do anything stupid."

I guess when you were there, the line had more weight and meaning. I'd worry about you every day. If I didn't get an email on the day you'd usually send one, I'd be distracted all day, wondering if you were still alive or not.

Last night I gave this guy a ride into Provo. As he got out of my car I told him to be careful and caught myself before I could say it to him too. It's not that I haven't said it to other people before, but those people were close to me. I trusted those people like I trusted you. And though I'm not saying this guy I gave a ride to isn't trust worthy, I don't know him well enough to allow myself to trust him. I guess almost saying something to someone I barely know that I used to only say to you caught me off guard.

In all honesty, I haven't thought about you in awhile. I don't even think I've told a story about you recently. I don't know how I'm suppose to feel about that. I guess time does change things, even if we don't want them to. It's funny how someone who was once one of the most important things in your life can one day be nothing but a few good stories to tell or a few silent smiles that come from telling those stories.

I still miss you, though. I promise I'll always miss you.
Take care of yourself.
Don't do anything stupid.

Love you.
Mean it.

Writing Honestly and Personally

On occasion I have the opportunity of interviewing writers. One of the questions I usually ask them is how would they describe their writing style. I was thinking about this question in regards to myself while I was driving home from work yesterday and I had a hard time answering it. After awhile, I just started listing words:

Real
Honest
Personal
Candid
Funny
Snarky
Self-Deprecating
Sarcastic

There are probably others but this list sums up my writing style fairly accurately.

One thing I've always noticed is when people compliment me on my writing, they always tell me how honest and personal it is, how brave I am to be writing about subjects that are so personal to me. I've always found this quite an odd thing to say. I mean, I understand what they are talking about. I am very honest and personal in my writing, but this doesn't seem like something that is an option to me. I write about things that are personal because I find those are the only things worth writing about. If I'm not being honest in my writing and if I'm not writing about something that is personal to me, then what the hell am I doing?

Love you.
Mean it.