Please Don't Think This Was Easy

So I wrote this story about you the other day.

Okay, it wasn't about you but you were in it. I reread it after a few days (I usually abandon my work after I finish for a few days. Sometimes cause I'm sick of it but mostly because I'm scared it's shit) and I realized I should have spent more time talking about you. After all, you really were the one that started it all. That first got me to question things, to think about things, to realize the world is a lot bigger than I originally thought.

If I were to write a story about you, it would be about that time you got plastered. Do you remember that? I was kinda-sorta-but-not-really-officially dating Sage and his best friend, Mickey, was dating his friend Alex. (Mickey was that girl with long brown hair and blue eyes who ended up dating that drug dealer and got arrested when their apartment got raided.) That movie "Alpha Dog" had just come out and we all wanted to see it. But because Cedar City is Cedar City, it wasn't playing in town. It wasn't even playing in St. George. The closest places were Provo and Vegas. Mickey knew about a party in Provo so we decided to go there. Five minutes later (literally five minutes) we were on the road.

We went to that party and I didn't know anyone. This was before I had ever even thought about drinking. This was before I became disillusioned about religion and God and what not. You called me. You were drunk. Very drunk. But I was glad you called. I found an empty room and we talked for over two hours. You were hilarious. You had just joined the Army and were discussing the differences between German and American tanks, saying German ones were your favorite and American ones were your next favorite. You explained it like that one Brian Regan bit.

Do you remember that one time we made out on your bed while listening to Brian Regan? I had never heard him before so every now and then in the midst of our passion, I'd start laughing at something Brian said. It made you laugh too. That was the night you told me about that one girl who worked at the cafeteria. You said she was the second most beautiful girl on campus. I asked who was the first. You looked incredulous and said it was me.

You then said you were dizzy so I told you to lie down. You made noises of an acrobat and said you were now laying down. After about five more minutes I hear an, "Oh, fuck!" and a crash. I called out your name in concern. You got back on the phone and said you fell off your chair. I told you I thought you were laying down. And you said you were laying on your chair.

You started talking about Shelley at this point. You weren't married yet. You were engaged though. You never talked about Shelley before, mostly because you eventually had to chose between us. You told me how much you loved her. How you wanted to be in the Army and serve your country but you didn't want to leave her. It was romantic but sad, cause that could've been me you were talking about.

Do you remember the last night we were both in Cedar? I was moving home for the summer and you were going off to boot. We sat on my balcony and talked about you going to war. I was scared. I loved you, but not in a husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend kind of way. I loved you cause you were my best friend, a guy that knew me better than anyone else on the planet, including my then-boyfriend Sage. You said you were scared too but your sense of honor and duty was more powerful. I can't remember if I cried but if I didn't, I really should have.

We drove back to Cedar late, late Saturday night. I woke up on Sunday late for church (that's when I still went to church). I was in a scramble to get some clothes when I heard a knock on the front door. None of my roommates were home so I answered it. And there you were. You looked like shit. The first words out of your mouth were,
"I am never drinking again."
I put my arms around your neck and gave you a sympathy hug and then led you to my room. We both lied down on the bed and talked for seven hours. Church was no longer important. My best friend was hung over and I wanted to lie in bed with him.

Did you know you were the first guy I spent the night with? We didn't do anything sexual or anything. I was against it at the time. But we just slept in your twin sized bed. It was so small that our bodies were pressed up against one another. When you fell asleep, you twitched. A lot. Later you would tell me it was because of all the amphetamines and other drugs you used to do. I woke up in the middle of the night, like I always do, and your arm was still around me. I never felt safer or more in love.

I don't know where you are nowadays. I know you're still in the Army, specializing in interrogations (a.k.a. torture but at least you admit it). I hope you and Shelley are happy and well. I wonder if you have a kid by now. You've been married for about four years now. Remember when we'd talk about how you didn't want to have kids? Most of the time you'd joke about it but that one time, when it was just you and me on the couches downstairs in the dark, you admitted you didn't want to have kids cause you were scared shitless that you'd be a bad father--just like your father. I tried to reassure you that you'd be a great dad but I don't know if you believed me.

In case you were wondering, I'm doing alright. A lot has changed. I'm back home in Provo. It sucks but so it goes. I read Crime & Punishment about two years ago and have since read everything Dostoevsky has written. Thanks for suggesting him. I'm kind of on a Kurt Vonnegut kick right now. Have you read him? If not, do it. I think you'd like him. I don't want to be a high school teacher anymore. My plan is to go to grad school and get my master's and become a professor. I'm hoping to go to school in Boston or Oregon or Washington state. I like the idea of living there.

Well, I want you to know how lucky I am to have known you. No other person has had such a significant influence on my life in such a short amount of time. And I hope you know that where ever you are, I miss you. I really really miss you.

If you're ever in town, give me a call. It's the same number. We'll go get a drink and talk. Maybe you can tell me the story behind that scar across your head you got on your first tour.

Be safe.
Don't do anything stupid.

Love you.
Mean it.

Feeling Infinite

I'm driving to class.
The sun is out
without a cloud in sight.
I have A/C
but I turn it off and roll the windows down
and put my arm on the sill.
I turn up the volume
The Dropkick Murphys
always put me in a good mood.
This is my favorite part of the day.
Just me, the morning,
the sun, the wind,
and my favorite band playing loud.
This is how summer is suppose to feel
when you're 22.

~first poem I've written in forever.

Love you.
Mean it.

Almost-Lovers List

We all have them. Those guys or girls who we love from a distance; those almost-lovers. You try to sneak a secret glance at them. And when you make eye contact and both hold on to it a bit longer than normal, your heart jumps. And you wish for just one more glance, one more moment, just one more time you feel like there might be something between you two.

It seems like lately all I have are almost-lovers, a short list of guys I know from my school, my church, my past... Some of them I have personal conversations with. Some just secret glances and smiles. Some just a facebook comment or two. Some I love from such a distance, they probably don't know I'm here. None of them are aware I'm half in love with them. I don't think I'd ever make the first move to turn us from friends to lovers. Blame it on fear or being ladylike, but the majority of these guys will always remain on my list of almost-lovers.

I sometimes wonder if I'm the on anyone else's almost-lover list. It might just be wishful thinking but I hope I am, that there is someone somewhere who loves me from a distance. I hope there is a guy out there who wishes for one more glance, one more moment. I hope there is a guy who knows we would be good for each other.

And if there is a guy out there who loves me secretly, who considers me his almost-lover, I hope he will make that first move. That one day he will be brave enough to start a journey in turning us from friends to lovers. I hope I won't have to stay on his almost-lovers list forever.

Love you.
Mean it.

The End Is NEAR! (as in really freaking close!)

Life is funny sometimes. You just go about your day, la-de-dah-la-de-dah like and then WAH-BAM! You realize that the semester ends next week and you have a To (freakin) Do list that is longer than you are tall. I mean, where the hell did that come from???

Anyway, yes, the end is upon me. I do have a huge To Freakin Do list, most of which is assignments for my ethics class. This includes ten hours of mandatory volunteer work (let's allow a moment for the concept of "mandatory volunteer work to sink in) and I have yet to do one hour. I also have papers to write for that class, one of which was due today. I also have my portfolio for my creative non-fiction writing class due sometime next week. That's going to screw me over. And, of course, I have a comprehensive physics final exam looming over my head.

But fear not, faithful followers of Kelly's blog. I have not posted without some good news. I'm now a writer for the UVU REVIEW (that's the newspaper for those of you playing the home game). I write for the Culture section, under the guidance of the Culture Editor, Andy, who is a much cooler guy than he sounds (if he sounds way cool, he's even cooler than that!). I submitted my first 'piece,' which was on UVU's first improv club called, "What's So Funny?" I think I'm going to like writing for the REVIEW. It gives me something to do anyway.

Also, Thursday's date is 6/17/2010. That means it's my half-birthday! Huzzah! I conferred with my parental figures (it sucks I need their permission now that I'm again living under their roof) and have decided to have a celebration. I'm quite excited.

That's all that is going on in the Wonderful World of Kelly. Ya'll might not hear from me for a while. After the semester is over, I'm going to the Happiest Place on Earth, which is Yellowstone. Disneyland can't hold a candle to Yellowstone. Anyway, that's where I'll be so try not to be too jealous.

Love you.
Mean it.

Where I Am Right Now

I'm trying a new background for my blog. I like it but we'll see if it gets on my nerves after a while.

Anyway, there are only ten more days in the semester and I am really feeling the crunch. I guess that happens when you don't really try for the first four weeks or so and then scrabble to pull up your grades. I don't know why it's been so hard for me to focus and do my work. Okay, that's a lie. I do know why. It's because of my lack of social interaction. It leaves me alone and depressed. And I'm never really in the mood to do homework when I'm alone and depressed, even though I really don't have anything else to do.

I have been writing more but since my last piece for my writing class was absolute shit, I haven't been really motivated to write more. I've been trying to write about my brother, Greg, but I don't really know how to write about him. I have all these small stories about him from us growing up together but I really don't know how to get them all together in a cohesive format. I have to make a portfolio for that writing class with three polished pieces. I'm screwed. The first piece I wrote wasn't too bad, the second was shit, and I haven't even begun the third. I don't know what I'm going to do.

My ethics class has been an interesting one. I love philosophy and I love to debate issues, but sometimes in this class it feels like I'm beating a dead horse. We all talk and discuss ourselves into circles without really getting anywhere. We also have mandatory volunteer hours due. Doesn't the term "mandatory volunteer" strike you as a paradox or at least ironic? It' part of our grade to volunteer for ten hours somewhere. I have done zero so far. Yep, I'm in trouble.

The funny/tragic thing is that this semester ends on the 23rd and the next semester starts the 24th. I'm not going to have a single day for a break in between. That sucks. So it goes.

This post has been rather random, I know. I just talked about school but really that's the only thing going on in my life right now. Hopefully my life become more exciting soon.

Love you.
Mean it.

Code to Live By

Lately I've become a huge fan of the show NCIS. It's been around for a while but I am just getting into it. I can probably blame Kristy for that.

Anyway, there have been some odd results from it. The first being my new love for the name Jethro. The main character is named Leroy Jethro Gibbs. He's awesome and I always have loved unusual names. The second being I'm constantly in debate whether I like the charming film buff Tony more or the cute sweet computer geek McGee. But the most interesting result from watching this show has been my desire to create a set of rules to live by.

The main character, Gibbs, has this set of rules that guide the way he lives his life. If you watch the show, you learn the rules. There is also an episode that explains where he got the idea of rules from. When Jethro was a young Marine, he was waiting at the train station in his home town. He met a girl named Shannon. Their conversation is as follows:

Gibbs: Are you waiting for the train, too? [she nods] We could sit together.
Shannon: I don't know. It's a long ride, but I guess you're not a lumberjack.
Gibbs: No.
Shannon: I have a rule. It's either rule number one or number three: never date a lumberjack.
Gibbs: You got a rule for everything?
Shannon: I'm working on it. Everyone needs a code they can live by. What's your name?
Gibbs: Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Shannon: I'm just gonna call you Gibbs.
Gibbs: You can call me anything you want.
Shannon: I'm Shannon.

Gibbs and Shannon end up getting married and have a daughter named Kelly. Both Shannon and Kelly end up getting murdered. Shannon witnessed a murder and testified against the guy. They were placed in Witness Protection, but ended up getting gunned down by a sniper and exploding in their car. Gibbs was deployed while all of this was going on. Gibbs still lives by his rules and his team learns the rules as they go along. Abby and Tony seem to know the most, Tony because he looks up to his boss so much and Abby because Gibbs has always treated her like a daughter.

Watching this show and listening to all the talk about these rules has led me to create my own set of rules to live by. Gibbs has something like 51 rules. I only have 33 but it's a start.

1. Don't do anything stupid.
2. Don't be a douchebag or a bitch.
3. Keep your promises.
4. Never restrict your idea of family to just those related to you.
5. Tip generously.
6. Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
7. Never apologize for things that aren't your fault or if you're not sorry.
8. Don't lie.
9. Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
10. Never suppress or deny any emotion you feel, regardless if it's good or bad. Embrace it, feel it, and let it go when you're ready.
11. Friends are one of life's greatest gifts. Never give them out without a fight.
12. Never be afraid to try something new.
13. Whenever you have change, buy lemonade from kids on the side of the road.
14. If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values--they're hobbies.
15. Ask questions. It doesn't matter how random. Just ask.
16. After you reach 21, no one can tell you what to do.
17. Know who you can trust.
18. Life is shitty enough on its own. Don't make it harder for anyone else.
19. Sometimes you either have to laugh about it or cry about it. Try to laugh as often as possible.
20. Wearing heels is never necessary.
21. Trust your gut.
22. Never buy a new car off the lot.
23. Everyone in your life will leave you. It's okay.
24. Love is NOT all you need.
25. You don't watch movies alone.
26. Don't talk during the movie. Whether at a movie theater or at home, it doesn't matter. Do Not Talk.
27. You don't censor art such as movies, music, literature or fine art. If it offends you, don't participate in experiencing it.
28. Never allow anyone to convince you that you don't deserve what you want.
29. Life is too short to watch crappy movies.
30. If you're going to laugh, laugh like hell. And if you're going to get angry, get good and angry. There is not point in living life half assed.
31. There are worse things than spending a night alone.
32. There's more to life than underwear.
33. Don't let the bastards win.

There will be more as my life continues. I'll post them as they come.

Love you.
Mean it.

The Wonderful World of Kelly

Today, boys and girls, you get to experience a joy unlike any other. I, Kelly, will be giving you an exclusive look into my world. The following are little bits of info that you may but probably don't know. They may seem random but that's only because they are. So sit back and enjoy this all expenses paid trip into the Wonderful World of Kelly

~I have the amazing ability to judge a guy mere minutes after I meet him. The amazing part is that more often than not, I'm right. This doesn't work for girls because I tend to judge them more harshly than guys.

~I generally hate girls.

~I am afraid of three things: tarantulas, the dark, and being alone & disconnected.

~I've fallen in love with more books in my life than guys.

~I secretly love to argue.

~Before I was born, my dad knew I was going to be a boy so the only name they had picked out was Scott. This name has sprung up in my life in the most unusual ways.

~My favorite movie is Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho. However, I hate scary movies.

~I have a morbid fascination with serial killers.

~The following things are with me nearly all the time: my phone, a pen, hair ties, and my six rings.

~Nearly all of my jewelry holds some sentimental meaning behind it. The most profound of these are my six rings. They all represent a significant point in my life.

~I have always wanted a tattoo but have never stuck with one idea long enough to really commit to it.

~I have never been in a fight.

~My favorite "hobby" is to talk to new people.

~I find the following things overrated: nature, yogurt, & ultimate frisbee.

~I love a good story.

~I hate italian food.

~One of the happier times in my life, if not the happiest, was when I was a writing assistant for Joe's ENGL 1000 classes.

~When I was little, I had a problem with lying. This stopped when my mom bought me a book called, "Matilda Who Told Lies, and Was Burned to Death."

~My favorite picture books growing up were Many Moons, Ferdinand, and Gregory the Terrible Eater.

~The following teachers taught me at Rock Canyon Elementary, starting with Kindergarten and finishing with sixth grade: Mrs. Barlow, Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Cottom, Mrs. Gage, Mrs. Llewellyn, Mr. Nielsen, and Mr. Wells.

~The craziest person I've ever dated was a guy named Andrew. When I ran into him nearly two years after we dated, he told me how he was the next messiah and the LDS church was spying on him.

~The first series I ever read was the Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder.

~My favorite Disney princess/heroine is Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

~When I was little, I wanted to be the President when I grew up. I really thought I could fix everything because it was really simple to me.

~I really am shy.

~I hate to watch basketball but I love to watch football.

~I have a huge stack of movies I have been dying to watch but I haven't because I hate to watch movies by myself.

~I love to watch documentaries.

~I often find myself wishing my life were more exciting.

This concludes this portion of the Wonderful World of Kelly. Keep checking back for more tidbits of the awesomeness that is Kelly.

Love you.
Mean it.