Dealing with my body.

Once upon a time I was thin. Like really thin. I played soccer and ran track so I also had muscle tone. And I had no qualms with my body image. (I had other problems with depression and hating my life but that's a different story for different time). I knew I was hot and that guys wanted me and I LOVE it.

Then college came and I gained a little weight. But it still wasn't a big deal.

But then came the worst day of my life. And I gained more weight.

Then I started working with a trainer and I lost weight, a whole 12 pounds.

Then I graduated from college, moved to Logan and gained even more weight.

I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. And it's something I've had to adjust to. There are times I look in the mirror and I'm bewildered by what I see. I don't think of myself as this big but I am. I'm a heavy girl, a fat chick, "PLUS-SIZE."

There was a really long time when I really hated my body and it's enormity. I thought I was fat and ugly and unattractive and basically worthless and horrible.

Then, weirdly enough, I took part in a graduate study. Some woman working on her Ph.D (somehow connected to to my editor) was doing a study on women's body image, social pressure, etc. I was doing it because why not.

But then we got to the section about feminism and body image. As you know, I am not shy about my feminist beliefs. But I never really practiced feminism with my own body image. The idea of what is the "perfect body" is a patriarchal concept. How can I lift women up and encourage them to reject patriarchy if I hate my own body because it doesn't measure up to society's standards? It's hypocritical.

And so I reject fat shaming. I reject the idea of hating my body because it's bigger than it "should" be. I reject being ashamed of my body. Fuck that shit.

And so I've embraced my body. I embrace being heathy and eating right and exercising but not focusing on my weight but rather on being healthy.

In celebration of rejecting all shame I used to hold, I bought a bikini!

Want to know how to get a bikini body? Step 1: Buy a bikini. Step 2: Put it on your body.

Bam. Done. End of steps.

Love you.
Mean it.

Withdrawals

I've written about this before, my attempt to not be on medications anymore. Since the the last time I've written about this, I've gone down to just taking two medications— a big improvement from the six I was taking a few years ago. And even the dosage of those medications has reduced drastically. But now I'm trying to go from two to just one. And it's not easy.

The trouble with taking a medication for nearly 10 years is your body is used to it so much so that when you cease the input, your body hates you. I've experienced withdrawals before and they're just horrible. I'm currently experiencing them again though not as intense as they can be. There are no cold sweats. I'm not shaking uncontrollably. I'm still slightly sensitive to light and sound but it's not too bad The only thing really bothering me is my head is killing me and my body feels weird, like I'm not sure it really belongs to me. I'm trying to take it easy over the next few days till my body readjusts itself.

My decision to stop being on medication primarily comes from the very fact I've been on them so long. I don't really recall a time when I wasn't on them. I want to see if I can function without them.

I'm not saying medications are bad. In fact, I'd claim the opposite. Medication and therapy definitely have their place. I wouldn't have gotten through the shit I've been through without them. The decision to go off them is a personal one and should not be judged by anyone.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense. My head is throbbing and the screen light isn't helping.
But I wanted to explain what was going on and why I'm doing it.

Love you.
Mean it.