There is this song, "The Curse of Curves" by the band Cute is What We Aim For. It has a line that says, "Jealousy is the cousin of greed." Since lyrics are open to interpretation, I've taken that particular line to mean that jealousy is closely tied to greed, meaning you don't believe you have enough in your life and you desire more.
I've always like that. I thought it was pretty poignant.
But I've never really had a problem with jealousy. My entire life, I've never been seriously jealous of anyone. Even when I went through the worst of the worst of my depression, where I hated my life and hated my existence and pretty much hate everything, I never really felt jealous of anyone or their life. I don't know if this is because I was too caught up in my own despair or I figured everyone's else's life is fake because they couldn't accept that life was meaningless. Whatever the reason, I was never, ever jealous of anyone else's life.
But recently, I've found myself encountering feelings of jealousy more and more, lately.
And it's weird. It's a new feeling. And I don't know what to do about it.
I see people on Facebook and they're building houses, they have enough money to build a house. And I get jealous because I rent a small, one bedroom apartment.
I see people going on trips to Spain and England and Europe and I get jealous.
And even simple things make me jealous.
Like I see my ex-boyfriend. He and his current girlfriend have moved in together into a small basement apartment.
And I got jealous. I have NO desire to get back together with him. That'd be awful. I mean, we definitely broke up for a reason.
But I jealous. Not over him but over concept that he had someone and they were living together and they were happy.
I see groups of friends together, laughing and joking together. And I get jealous because I don't have that here in Logan. I have a few acquaintances here and there. But I don't have a solid group of friends, which is frustrating. And so whenever I see a group of friends and that camaraderie, I get super jealous.
I don't know how one handles jealousy. Again, this is a completely new emotion for me. I cannot remember a time when I was this jealous all the time and of everybody.
It's kind of stupid. It's like I'm jealous of every single person I encounter.
I'll admit that I'm having a hard time here in Logan. It's not because of my job. I love my job. I absolutely love my job. But it's because I don't have a social life, I don't have that feeling of community or connection or a place where I belong or a place where I'm accepted. I don't have those people I can call up and hang out with or a place where I can go where people love an accept me.
I think no matter where a person goes or what they do, they need to have a sense of belonging, they need to have friendship. Otherwise, what's really the point of everything?
My life revolves around my work. And I'm not saying that like those people who work 60+ hours a week. I mean, there really is nothing else in my life except my job. I get up. I got to work. I do my job. Then I come home and try to fill the remaining hours in a day. I have hobbies, yes, like cross stitch and comics. But, as Norman Bates said in Psycho, "Hobbies are suppose to pass the time, not fill it."
The trouble is I don't know how an adult is suppose to make friends. In the past, I've had church or college. Both served as a jumping off point to form friendships. Since I no longer have either of those in my life, I don't know what to do.
I've been trying to be brave and put myself in situations that scare me, as in going out by myself and try to interact with people. I know I come off as awkward and weird. I try not to be but I'm pretty sure that's all I am nowadays. But the point is I'm trying. I'm trying to go out and meet people and make friends or, at the very least, not feel so goddamn alone, even if it's only for an hour.
I guess my jealousy is closely related to greed. I do want more in my life. I want more meaning. I want more purpose. I want some place where I feel like I belong. But maybe it's not such a bad thing, to be greedy. I mean, it's easy to want more when you have nothing.
Love you.
Mean it.
