Make a Liar

"You think you're so goddamn special, so different from the rest of us. But you're not," she said, leaning against the kitchen counter. Her white legs shone in the darkness, bare underneath the old dark t-shirt three times her size. It had belong to one of her past lovers, long forgotten. She folded her arms across her chest as he walked toward her, the dried mud caked on his boots flaking off, leaving a trail she'll have to clean up later.  Her dark curly hair, crazed from the humidity fell haphazardly past her shoulders. Her dark eyes never left him as he walked to the side of her to open a cupboard. "You're just as afraid as the rest of us," she said. "You're no goddamn better."

He pulled out a pint sized mason jar out of the cupboard, not finding any clean glasses. "Alright. What am I afraid of, my dear?" he asked without looking at her. He filled the jar half full with the cheap whiskey he knew she hated. "You're afraid of getting hurt," she said trying to catch his eye. He scratched his face, itchy with three days worth of growth and took a swig. The whiskey burned the whole way down, hitting his gut with that familiar lurch. He turned to her, looking her in the eye.

"I promised I'd never hurt you. But darlin', you're fixing to make a liar out of me."

Love you.
Mean it.

Lost in the Infinity

Our necks craned almost uncomfortable
feeling small against the million tiny lights
that traveled lifetimes for us to see
some now non-existant,
their light just an echo

I can feel their weight pressing down on me
and I feel lost in the infinity,
afraid "of all that never ends."

And all he did
was take my hand in the darkness
conveying in that simple gesture
the same fear of the unknown
but trust in what we have now

And with two smiles
silent in the darkness
we knew.

If we are destined to one day
be lost in that same infinity
we will not have to wander alone.

Satan Isn't Real

Recently someone asked me if I believed in the existence of satan. I have explained before my view on who/what god is. With this idea of god, I do not believe in satan. To me, satan is a creation of man to help explain why people do "evil" things. The idea of this powerful evil being who whispers in the ears of man, tempting him to do bad things is just preposterous. If god isn't there to lay out what is "good," how can there be a satan to tempt man to do "bad?"

I feel that the idea of satan was created as a strange comfort to man in the sense it made satan the cause of evil instead of man. I believe all the evil in this world (and goodness for that matter) comes from man and man alone. This is an uncomfortable thought for many people. They do not want to believe that evil comes from them, that they are solely responsible for that evil. They created the idea of satan as a scapegoat of sorts.

However, my disbelief in satan does not mean I do not believe in evil spirits or forces. I've mentioned this before that I do believe in the existence of evil spirits who were so evil in this world that they must endure extreme pain, agony, and fear on this Earth before they continue on to the suffering of hell. I do not believe these spirits can harm people; they no longer have that power. But people can feel their presence and the evil that still lingers there.

I hope that makes sense. I'm somewhat in a rush to finish. I'm going camping with my family and I needed to leave about 40 minutes ago. Oh, well.

Love you.
Mean it.

My Night in Feminist Hell

Last night, I was in feminist hell.

As part of my duties as the Life Editor of the UVU Review, I traveled up to the Capital Theatre in downtown Salt Lake City to watch one of the preliminary rounds of the 75th Annual Miss Utah Scholarship Pageant. Our school was being represented by Miss Danica Olsen and, while I may be morally opposed to pageants or any form of female objectification for that matter, it's a good story for the paper and deserves proper coverage. I had already written a preview piece of sorts on Danica's preparations for the pageant, which can be read here. My fellow coworkers at the Review know how hard it was for me to write the piece because of my moral objections. I had a feeling that covering the actual Miss Utah pageant was going to be a bit harder than I liked.

I walked into the lobby of the theater and checked in at the press table. I received my comp ticket, my nifty press pass (which gained me access backstage) and a Miss Utah press kit. I have to admit, I felt really legit by this point. This was the first time I had ever received a press pass to any event. I felt so grow up, like a real journalist. I was accompanied by my trusty photographer, Connor Allen (possibly Allan?), who also received a press pass.

We walked down into the theater and found our seats right on the front row. We had a few minutes before the show actually began so I sifted through the contents of the press kit. Apparently saving the trees isn't a huge deal to the Miss Utah pageant because the kit contained 24 pages of information, some printed on both sides. Here's a list of what was inside:

• Profiles of the seven judges
• A press schedule (this would've been handy last week...)
• 2011 press conference schedule (again, last week would've been better...)
• A list of past Miss Utahs who will be attending the various events throughout the week (there are 19 listed)
• A schedule of events for the 2011 Miss Utah Pageant
• A schedule of events and which ones will be attended by the current Miss Utah and Miss America.
• A break down of what the "Show Me Your Shoes" event is. 
• A PR release explaining the Child Protection Registry, the Miss Utah charity thing
• A PR release about the Little Miss Utah day of service. 
• A PR release from when the current Miss Utah, Christina Lowe, was named a semi-finalist at Miss America back in January
• A break down of the 50 contestants into three groups (labeled Mu, Alpha, and Sigma for some unknown reason)
• A list of all 50 contestants sorted by school
• A list of all 50 contestants sorted by number (each contestant is given a number; Danica Olsen's number is 30)
• A short bio on the current Miss Utah, Christina Lowe
• A short bio on the current Miss America, Teresa Scanlan (she's 18 years old!)
• A PR release from last year when Christina Lowe was crowned Miss Utah
• A PR release from last year when Teresa Scanlan was crowned Miss America
• A list of media sources that have produced either TV or print material on Christina Lowe while she's been Miss Utah (included was the UVU Review! One of those was my article! Read it here!)
• A list of the 2011 Miss Utah Sponsors
• Key Facts & Figures about the Miss Utah Organization & Pageant
• A list of important dates in Miss Utah & Miss America History (Only 2 Miss Utahs have won Miss America, Colleen Kay Hutchins in 1951 and Sharlene Wells in 1984)
• A break down of the judge's process
• A list of all the Miss Utahs since the pageant started in 1926
• And finally, a list of all the awards and prizes to be given out.

Yeah, they killed lots of trees to give me a bunch of information I really don't care about and if I needed to know, could've found on the internet. 

Anyway, the lights soon went down and the pageant started. With Christina Lowe singing with the MC, a Mr. Johnny Revill(?), the 50 contestants came strutting out, each group wearing a different color of the same style of dress. The dresses were ridiculously tight wrap dresses that had different cuts but the same look. As these women paraded around in their skin tight dresses, bouncy curled hair, high heels, and plastered smiles that never faltered throughout the course of the evening, I slouched in my chair and pressed my fingers to my temples in an effort to stave off the headache I knew was coming. All I could think was, "This is so wrong..." These women not only represented female objectification at its worst but also seemed to reveal in it. They know they are on display and they love it. Most seemed to carry this air of superiority, knowing they are hot shit and because of that, can get whatever or whoever they want. Very few of them seemed genuine and none of them seemed like the type I'd want to be friends with, or even spend a small amount of time with.

These contestants would strike poses to the music, some giving off a look and aura that seemed better suited for the inside of GQ or Maxim magazine. Every now and then you could tell a girl messed up on the routine because her eyes and her smile would grow even wider in a split second of panic before recovering and continuing. That was enjoyable for me, not because I wanted them to fail but because I saw something real at that moment. 

The way these preliminary rounds are set up is one group will do the swimsuit part, one will do talent, and one will do evening wear and onstage question. Then they will rotate on the next night and the next. The final night is on Saturday where I'm sure they narrow it down to 10 contestants who do all of it all over again. 

The next even was the Lifestyles and Fitness section, also known as swimwear. The MC stated that the purpose of this part of the pageant is to show how these women are healthy physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I'm sorry. How is parading around in a swimsuit supposed to show the intellectual side of these women? Not to mention, some of these girls looked scary thin. That can't be physically healthy. However, I will say that one contestant, who was a bigger curvier woman, rocked the hell out of her green bikini. She was not fat by any stretch of the imagination. She had a big chest and big curves. But there was not even a trace of self-doubt or self consciousness from her. While the rest of the women looked like they could snap in half with their bottom ribs jutting out against their tight skin, this woman represented to me what it means to be physically & emotionally healthy. She knows she is curvy but she doesn't care. She knows she's beautiful and she doesn't have to conform to what society deems as beautiful. I wanted to stand up and shout, "You go, girl!" But then I remembered I wasn't in the 1990's so I stayed seated. 

The talent section consisted of three types of talents: dance, vocal, or piano, and the dancing consisted of all ballet except for one. Some of the girls' singing was beautiful until they'd try to hit that one high note and just couldn't do it. It made me squirm in my seat. However, one girl who played the piano was phenomenal. I was really impressed with her performance. Not to mention, she really looked like she really loved to play. It was magical to watch her face and her whole body move and change with the music. It was beautiful. 

Of the interview part, I will only say this: fake, fake, fake. These women put out so much crap, half the time never actually answering the questions but just saying stuff that would make them feel good. However, I will say Miss American Fork and Miss Pleasant Grove gave the best answers of the evening because they were immediate, honest, and really showed us who they were as individuals. They were real and by that point in the evening, it was refreshing. 

The evening wear part took way too long and consisted of these women walking around the stage in what looked like a figure 8 pattern at a painfully slow pace. Even the audience, who were full of whoops and hollers the entire night grew weary by the end of it. 

It was at this point I realized why I hate these pageants so much. They are based upon these women parading around in gorgeous attire and big fake smiles. They are scored on their presentation, by how they look. It's all so fake. Every conversation I've ever had with a contestant at one of these pageants is dripping with PR-esque crap. Just like the interview questions, they never really answer honestly but rather say a bunch of stuff that makes them look good. I know it's not real. The readers of my articles know it's not real. I don't get why they do it. They are always on display, never letting down their facade of perfection. It completely reinforces this idea that when it comes to pageants, it doesn't matter who you are or what you do as long as you look good, as long as you look perfect while on display. 

And yet those involved claim pageants make these women better people, that it teaches them it's more important who you are than what you look like on display. It's a giant contradiction, an oxymoron in high heels and lipstick. 

But, unfortunately, I can't express any of these feelings in my article. I need to stick to "just the facts" and while I may consider pageants as an archaic display of female objectification as a legitimate fact, it wouldn't hold up under scrutiny. Thank god for this blog then. Here is where I will always tell you the truth as I see it. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Pick the Next Question I Answer

From time to time, I answer certain questions here at Love You. Mean it. I've always picked the questions at random but now I'm handing the power over to all of you. Vote which question you want me to answer and around mid-July I will answer it. Simple, eh?

Which Question Should I Answer Next?
	What was the best gift you ever received?
	What is your favorite book?
	What is your most prized possession?
	What was the best decision you made in high school?
	Whats your favorite word?
	What always makes you laugh no matter what?
	What is something you believe in even though you know its silly to?
	If you could design your own personal heaven, what would it be?
	If you could imagine your own private hell, what would it be?
	Who was your first love?
	Who was your first crush?
	Who was your first date?
	What town do you consider to be your hometown and what are your feelings toward that town?
	What is something that most people would consider to be somewhat trivial but drives you insane or ge
	What is your dream job?
	Who is your favorite film director?
	If you were given the assignment to become obsessed with something, what would it be?
	If you could write a letter to any famous person, living or dead, and they would respond to it, to w
	What is your favorite physical feature on yourself?
	What music do you listen to if you want to get psyched up?
	What was your proudest moment?
	What was the most terrifying experience of your life?
	What would you consider to be your theme song?
	What do you believe is the purpose of everything?
	What do you never leave home without?
	When it comes to people you date, what is a dealbreaker?
	When you look back at all of your exes, what do they all have in common?
	What would you do if you had a ton of money?
	What was the first concert you went to?
	How do you define family?
pollcode.com free polls

Love you.
Mean it.

What I Have Going

When I die, let it be written on my tombstone, "Above everything else, she was a good friend."

Love you.
Mean it.

That Same Sweetness

I honestly don't know what's caused this change in you. Don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining. It's just odd to see someone who is normally so angry and self-focused to suddenly express concern and sweetness toward me.

It reminds me of that night when I really got to know you for the first time. I saw that sweetness, that tenderness in you. In the days, weeks, and months to come, it disappeared, leaving me to think maybe I had imagined it. It's good to see it again, even if its unexplainable presence baffles me.

Maybe you remembered all those times I was there for you when you were having a rough go, even when you didn't want me to be. Maybe you figured it was time to return the favor.

Maybe you realized good friendship is hard to come by & one like mine doesn't happen often.

Well, whatever the reason, thanks.

Don't ever change.

Love you.
Mean it.

The Glorious Silence of Sundays

I love Sundays. They are one of my favorite days of the week. Now, this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact it's the Christian day of worship. Well, I guess it has a little to do with it. But it has nothing to do with me using it as a day of worship.

You see, while there are some benefits to living at home (free rent, good food, free laundry, etc.), there are some obvious major drawbacks. One of these is I never have any time alone. There is nearly always someone else home. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much. But when you spend an inhuman amount of time with anyone, you're going to start getting annoyed with them. Now, I do have my own bedroom which serves as a mini sanctuary from the chaos that is family. The only trouble is even when I'm in my bedroom, I can still hear everyone that is in the house and it's impossible to feel like I have any time alone to myself because I can still hear everyone else.

You see, my bedroom just so happens to be in the most inconvenient place in the house when it comes to noise control. On the other side of one of my walls is the stairs, so I can hear everyone that goes up and down. My room also is below the hallway upstairs leading to two bedrooms, a bathroom, and my mom's office. Obviously, this hallway gets a lot of traffic and I can hear every goddamn footstep/stomp/pitter-patter of doggie feet. There's also this one spot right at the top of the stairs that squeaks every time you put any weight on it. It's super annoying.

On the other side of the stairs is our downstairs living room, which has our main t.v. in the house. A few years ago, my dad finally got the surround sound package he has always wanted. I must admit, it's a pretty slick set up. The only trouble is it booms through my walls as if they weren't even there. The hall leading from the living room to my bedroom has tiled floors so the hall works as an echo-amplifier. Now, add to this that my 17 year old sister likes to invite her hoard of teenage friends over to "watch" movies at night (I put watch in quotes because they don't seem to do a lot of watching. They most talk very loudly, laugh, and scream. They're no longer allowed to watch old Disney movies because they would sing all the songs. I put a stop to that right quick), and my 20 year old sister who likes to watch soccer games and screams every time something happens that doesn't suite her, and you get the idea of how terribly noisy it can get for me.

Now, if you walk out of my bedroom, you enter the laundry room. This also has tile floor and the room also acts as a echo-amplifier. There are 5 people living at our house and my mom insists on doing everyone's laundry (something about saving water...I don't know), which means the washer & dryer are constantly going. Also, my bedroom is underneath my mom's office, which normally isn't too bad. Except she has this paper shredder that I swear rattles the whole house when it's functioning. Also, my bedroom is in the basement. I have one window that looks out at the lawn. When the lawn is being mowed, there is not chance in hell I can do anything but focus on the noise of the mower.

Now, what does all of this have to do with Sundays? I'll tell you. My parents and my sister attend one LDS ward at 9 o'clock. My other sister attends another LDS ward at 9:30 a.m.. This means that from roughly 9 a.m. to a bit past noon, I have the entire house to myself. I wake up and eat a leisurely, undisturbed breakfast, I let the dogs play outside, I watch some of the shows I have recorded on t.v. But more often than not, I sit in my bed and read or goof-off online. Why? Because the entire house is silent. Not a single noise to be heard besides the occasional snoring of my labrador Ralphie, or the sighs (literal sighs) of my small terrier, Randy. It's glorious. I even set my alarm so I can be awake to enjoy these 3 hours of silent bliss. Pathetic? Probably. But I don't care.

Love you.
Mean it.

Feel Good About Yourself!

I freaking love this.

Oh, btw, strong language is used in this video. May not be suitable for all ages/religions.

Love you.
Mean it.

Who I Am: A List

I haven't done a list in a while. I like making lists. It's how I function, how I manage myself, and how I keep things organized.

There's been a lot of talk around me lately as to the definition of self and whether it's possible to find yourself or if you only create yourself. I've also been having some odd experiences lately where I judge a person to be one way and they insist they are another. I, stupidly, decide to believe them, only to discover they are a blind fool who doesn't know the first thing about themselves. This typically results in me getting hurt and being extremely frustrated with myself for ever doubting my first judgement. It amazes me that people, myself included, can believe they are one way and it's simply not true. I've always tried to know who I am and be comfortable with who I am. I want to know who I am, both good qualities and bad. So here's a list of who I think I am. Hopefully, I'm not too far from the truth...

1. I am a writer.
2. I am a reader & lover of books.
3. I am clever. 
4. I am intelligent. 
5. I am aggressive.
6. I am awkward.
7. I am spunky. 
8. I am generally nice.
9. I can be hostile & angry.
10. I am loud.
11. I am creative.
12. I am caring.
13. I am a good friend.
14. I am an intellectual snob.
15. I am a cinephile.
16. I am no good at forgiveness. 
17. I am overweight.
18. I am dorky.
19. I pretend to be brave but I am not. 
20. I'm a pansy when it comes to pain.
21. I get emotional when I'm sick. 
22. I'm a sucker for animals, especially dogs & cats. 
23. I hate exercising.
24. I hate nature. 
25. I am a feminists. 
26. I am straight and I support gay rights.
27. I talk too much.
28. I am passionate about nearly everything I do.
29. If I don't want to do something, there is hardly anything on this Earth that can make me do it. 
30. I am stubborn as hell. 
31. I am lonely a lot of the time.
32. I struggle with depression and have since I was 14 or so. 
33. I try to be open minded. 
34. I am easily bored & irritated.
35. I drink more Mountain Dew than is probably healthy.
36. I generally hate girls. 
37. I'm funny.
38. I'm sarcastic. 
39. I don't care what the average person thinks of me but I care immensely what certain people I respect think of me. 
40. I am a leader.

There's a lot more too me, I know. But this will have to do for now.

Love you.

Mean it. 

Argument To Stay Cynical

It's nights like tonight that remind me why I should always be cynical.

It seems I sometimes forget that people lie for their own benefit. They manipulate others because they can. And, more than anything, they don't see why this is wrong.

I had my heart broken by a prick tonight. Turns out I'm really good at getting guys who want to 'fool around' with me but never date me. What's really funny is nearly two weeks ago, I had already written this guy off as a lying prick who couldn't be trusted. But then I did something really stupid. I gave him a second chance. Hey, I've been wrong before. Maybe he's not the manipulating bastard I first took him for.

Sometimes, I really hate being right.

I've been trying to fight my cynical nature, trying to find the good in people & trust that goodness.

Well, so much for that.

Love you.
Mean it.

Disney Heroines, From the God-Awful to the Kick-Ass Awesome

Like most girls raised in main-stream America, Disney heroines played a huge part in my childhood. I loved watching Disney animated movies growing up, especially when they had a princess or some chick as the leading lady. As I've gotten older and grown into a full fledge feminist who happens to be minoring in Cinema Studies, I look back at these Disney heroines who served as role models for what it means to be a woman &, frankly, it's a miracle I turned out relatively well-adjusted. There are a shit-load of Disney heroines out there who are just terrible, terrible role models for young, impressionable girls. They all played up the ditzy dumb damsel in distress. Hardly any of them had a bit of sense in their heads. Granted, Disney heroines have improved & become fairly bad-ass over the last decade or so but the original princesses (cause they were nearly always princesses) were/are pretty worthless. And because I have nothing else to do, here is my official list of Disney Heroines, From the God-Awful to the Kick-Ass Awesome.

I should mention the criteria of this list. I've only included human characters. Yes, Miss Bianca from The Rescuers is pretty cool and Maid Marion from Robin Hood acts like human, despite being a lynx or something but in order to be on this list, you've got to be human. Also, I've excluded Lilo from Lilo & Stitch because that movie came out when I was in high school & an annoying 4 year old girl isn't a good role model for girls in high school. And with that out of the way, allons-y!

Snow White, in Snow White (1937)

Of course the very first full-length animated movie has to have the absolute worst female heroine of all time. She can't even really be called a heroine because she's the most wimpy, pathetic, whiny woman ever! Don't believe me? Go back and watch the scene where she gets lost in the woods and the trees suddenly look terrifying. All she does is scream, "Oh! Oh!" mixed in with a few legitimate screams. Geez, what a little wimp. She then comes across a house and what does she do? She goes inside! What the what??? First of all, I'm sure that's a form of breaking and entering. Second, she just found out her stepmother is trying to kill her, the forest just transformed into scary trees on acid and she thinks going into a stranger's house is a good idea??? For that, I wish a serial killer lived there and taught her a valuable lesson. But not only does she go into the house, she freaking cleans the house! Oh, yeah. That's totally normal. She then spends the rest of the film cooking, cleaning, and being a pansy. Then she's stupid enough to eat an apple given to her by a complete bat-shit crazy old woman (who doesn't look sketchy at all...) and then falls asleep waiting for her prince to come. Dumb bitch. It's obvious that the writers/animators have never heard of women's liberation, but that can be semi-forgiven. It doesn't really come about for another 30 years or so. But still, Snow White sucks. 

Princess Aurora, in Sleeping Beauty (1959)

Princess Aurora is generally a pathetic character. She falls head over heels in love with the first man she meets (when she's 16 years old for fuck's sake!) and when she needs to leave & he asks when he'll see her again, she cries in a high(ish) voice, "Oh, never! Never!" And he replies with, "Never?" And she replies, "Well, maybe someday." to which she means tomorrow. Seriously, this prince, who is probably closer to 30 is hitting on some 16 year old & basically manipulating her into loving her. But apparently in 1959, that's totally cool. Not to mention, she spends nearly a third of the movie asleep, waiting for her prince to save her, thereby solidifying the 16 year old fantasy that she's in love. If little girls were to follow her example, we'd see a lot more episodes of 16 & Pregnant.

Alice, in Alice in Wonderland (1951)

Okay, maybe a little lenience can be granted since she's just a little girl. But still, she's a stupid little girl. She sees a white rabbit in a waist coat and decides to follow it. This in itself is not stupid. Hell, I'd be a bit curious myself. Where she gets dumb is climbing inside that deep, dark and creepy hole. Yeah, that looks safe and not dangerous at all. Then, while in Wonderland, she eats & drinks things because they say too. If this girl survives into young adulthood, she's going to be the easiest target for date-rapists. She hardly ever shows a bit of sense in her adventures. Of course, sense has very little to do in Wonderland but still, a little couldn't hurt.

Cinderella, in Cinderella (1950)

Talk about a bitch with no backbone. She is forced to cook and clean for her stepmother and stepsisters because they said so. I never see them threaten her with physical violence or taking away her food. She just does it because she is so "kind" that they walk all over her. I mean, even the cat pushes her around.  She talks about escaping and living her dreams etc. but never actually does anything about it. She's like that one person who always talks about getting out of their hometown but ends up being the assistant manager at Staples in his 40s. Not to mention, her best friends are mice. That's kinda creepy, don't you think?

Rapunzel, in Tangled (2010)

Okay, I'll admit I loved this movie. It was fun and exciting and clever. But the main reason Rapunzel is so high on this list is because she's goddamn annoying! I mean, seriously! Go watch the scene where she's all bipolar between being excited about being out and feeling guilty for disobeying her mother. That's only a small taste of how really obnoxious this girl is. If you want to escape so badly, go out and never look back. Remember what happened to Lot's wife?

Jasmine, in Aladdin (1992)

Here's the main reason Jasmine pisses me off. I hate the whole "Oh, I'm royalty. I have no real freedom. My life is so hard," plot line. I'm sorry, but I just can't get myself to believe that royalty with a shit-load of money and the freedom to do pretty much whatever they want have a hard life. I mean, yeah, being told where to go & how to dress is rough but not as rough as stealing food to fucking survive! Here's another reason I hate Jasmine. She's all bad-ass by using a pole to vault herself across buildings. But then get Jafar involved and suddenly she's powerless to help herself. Except, of course, by seducing him to distract him as Aladdin comes to her aid. There's a nice message for young girls. If you're ever in trouble, sleep your way out of it.

Ariel, in The Little Mermaid (1989)

Ariel is a pretty cool chick. I mean, she's pretty tough, she saves Prince Eric from drowning, she's insatiably curious, and she's a daddy's girl. These are all good qualities in my book. However, she's still a  freaking annoying 16 year old who thinks she knows more than her dad, who, by the way, is the freaking king of the ocean! I think he knows a thing or two about life, Ariel. What really pisses me off is her line, "I'm 16 years old! I'm not a child!" Actually, Ariel, by most definitions you are.

Pocahontas, in Pocahontas (1995)

Okay, Pocahontas is pretty legit. I mean, she does stop her father from declaring war on the invading white men, a war that they obviously would've been slaughtered in. But the real reason she stopped the war was so she could save John Smith's life because she 'loves him.' I don't care how you slice it, honey. You've kinda turned your back on your own people. Not to mention, when there is dangerous stuff going on she totally ignores the warnings and goes out alone because nothing bad ever happens to gorgeous women alone in the forest that was recently invaded by a troop of men who have spent the last X-amount of months alone on a ship with no women. It's a miracle you ran into John Smith, a guy who seems to be more motivated by exploration than raping.

Tiana, in Princess and the Frog (2009)

First of all, props to Tiana for being the first main character who is African American. The only others I can think of are the Muses from Hercules but they're not main characters. I mean, they serve as the chorus to the life of Hercules. And not only is Tiana the first African American princess, she's also a really positive role model for young girls. She's motivated, feisty, independent, and strong. The only reason she ranks lower on this list is sometimes she's just annoying, letting her dreams stand in the way of real happiness in the present.

Megara, in Hercules (1997)

Megara, or Meg, is a sassy, quick-talking independent chick. She totally plays up the whole 'damsel in distress' bit to its full humorous potential. When she is being held captive by the Minotaur, Hercules asks her if she's a damsel in distress. Her reply is, "I'm a damsel. I'm in distress. I can handle it." Her lines are usually delivered rapid fire and are fairly funny. Her main flaw is she uses her feminine wiles to manipulate our poor Hercules. However, you find out the only reason she's Hades's slave is she sold her soul to save the life of her love (who then runs off with some 'babe') thereby showing she has a good heart. And she does come through in the end, sacrificing herself to save Hercules.

Jane, in Tarzan (1999)

Jane is legit. She's a Victorian era lady who travels all the way to Africa to study gorillas. For a woman at that period of time to travel to the middle of nowhere to pursue scientific discoveries is phenomenal. She serves as the example of the liberated woman. She's educated, clever, brave, adventurous, and has a good heart. She stands up to Clayton, a man who could snap her in half. She's also pretty funny too. I like that in a role model. 

Belle, in Beauty and the Beast (1991)

Personally my favorite princess/heroine, Belle is smart, well-read, and brave. She's mostly motivated by saving and protecting her father. She's not intimidated by the Beast as time goes on and learns to even care for him. She smart enough not to fall all over the arrogant Gaston, realizing he's kind of a dick. When he accuses her of having feelings for the monster (meaning the beast), she bravely retorts, "He's no monster, Gaston. You are!" That takes some balls (or ovaries, if you will). She has a sense of adventure that cannot be beat, wanting to get out of her boring town and live the life she's only read about in books. Which brings up the main fact Belle is so cool: The girl loves books! The present the Beast gives her is a giant library and she's ecstatic. Never trust a girl who doesn't love books. 

Esmerelda, in The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

Esmerelda is pretty kick-ass. She's aggressive when it comes to defending herself and her people, but also kind and tender when it comes to helping Quasimodo. She fights Phoebus with a tall candle stick (while he has a sword), she stops the crowd from tormenting Quasimodo, and when she's tied up to be burned at the stake and Frollo offers to save her if she becomes his sex slave, she freaking spits in his face! This chick is hardcore! She's selfless, strong, and clever, making her the ideal role model for young girls. 

Mulan, in Mulan (1998)

Mulan is the most kick-ass awesome Disney heroine for one main reason. In order to save her father from having to serve in the army, she cuts her hair, pretends to be a boy, and goes to freaking war! And back then, war was some rough stuff. Not that it isn't now, mind you, but back then it was mostly hand to hand combat with horrific effects. This chick loves her father so much that she's willing to endure all of that and possibly die in order to save him. Then, on top of all that, she freaking saves China from the Huns! It's her smart thinking and bravery that ends up saving the Emperor and the rest of the people. She's definitely the heroine girls should want to grow up to be. 

Well, there's my list. If you disagree with any of them, please feel free to comment. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

As Heard in the Newsroom, Part 4

Yesterday, we built the very first Review issue of the summer. It turned out great and will hit the stands on Monday. As such, I thought I'd continue my tradition of showing the world how freaking hilarious we are in the newsroom. Enjoy.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Where is my freaking assistant???
-Andrea Whatcott

Student Government is their golden child and we’re the redheaded stepchild.
-Andrea Whatcott

I’d really like to bring a girl home, just to freak out my dad.
Yeah, me too.
-Andrea Whatcott & Jarom Moore

Guys, I promise I didn’t just break this drawer. I really promise.
-Elyse Taylor

Not it...
-Elyse Taylor, walking away from a drawer she just broke.

My mom dated losers.
-Elyse Taylor

I like Tom. I don’t know Tom and I like Tom.
-Jake Buntjer

Oh my shallow.
-Jake Buntjer

I’m old. If a woman was my age, she’d be even older.
-Jake Buntjer

Welcome to the newspaper.
Bwahahahaha!
-Jake Buntjer & John-Ross Boyce

This is what I’d look like if I was a meerkat.
-Jarom Moore

I had dinner plans at Del Taco!
-Jarom Moore

I’m more than fine not doing it.
-Jarom Moore

This would look way cooler if you could see me do it.
-Jarom Moore

Mean Machine single-handedly stopped the Rapture.
He died that we might live.
-Jarom Moore & John-Ross Boyce

Because I didn’t tell them I was at the moment still a BYU student for five years.
-John-Ross Boyce

Easy reflexes my ass.
-John-Ross Boyce

No, it’s not okay to litter.
-John-Ross Boyce

I know I may look like a hippie cause I have long hair & a beard but I am not!
-John-Ross Boyce

Just a big hydra of jackass-ery.
-John-Ross Boyce

I am not interested in Tom Hanks’s summer to-do list.
-John-Ross Boyce

Are there midgets in it?
-John-Ross Boyce

I don’t think I’ve ever seen J.R. so giddy before. He’s like a 5-year-old boy.
-Kelly Cannon, on John-Ross watching Dawn of the Dead

Yeah, I’m on top of shit!
-Kelly Cannon

I don’t throw the term ‘whore’ around a lot. I throw the term ‘whore-slut-face’ around quite a bit.
-Kelly Cannon

Don’t worry, Jarom. I feel you, figuratively speaking.
-Matt Peterson

We’re all driven. It’s just sometimes we shift it into neutral.
-Matt Peterson

Aren’t you a COMM major?
No! God, No! ... No offense.
-Matt Peterson & Kelly Cannon

We’re going to watch a movie so don’t learn anything.
-Robbin Anthony

Go get cancer.
-Sharece Willcoxon, to J.R. who is about to go smoke

Love you.

Mean it. 

Let the Poets Cry Themselves to Sleep

Maybe it has something to do with me reading lots of H.P. Lovecraft lately or listening to Mozart's Requiem Mass in D minor but I find myself in a morbid melancholy, the kind that makes me want to create something tragic yet beautiful.

But this world deserves a better kind of beauty than that.
And I'm afraid I'm not qualified.

So find your own goddamn beauty. I'm going to bed.

Love you.
Mean it.

John-Ross Boyce and His Troubles Receive the Kelly Cannon Seal of Approval

Listen up, People. It's high time I promote someone else's creative genius on here. And I can't think of a better way to start than by telling all ya'll about John-Ross Boyce and his Troubles.

I've talked about these guys before. It's my friends' band. Now, before you all go rolling your eyes thinking, "Please. Everyone has a friend who's in a band & says they're the greatest," let me assure you that  I would never promote just any old band willy-nilly. These guys are one of my favorite bands. They play what they refer to as "gutter country," which is to say a gritty country sound infused with bluesy, gospel-y, revival-esque sound. (Keep in mind I am lousy when it comes to describing music. Bear with me.)

However, I can tell you their lyrics are some of the best I've ever heard. If there is one thing I look for in music, it's beautifully tragic lyrics with a devastatingly raw voice singing them. And that is John-Ross Boyce and his Troubles to a "T". Here is a sample of their lyrics from their song, "I Bought a Rope":

I don't know if I'm going to die tonight

Lord, I hope I finally get it right

I went down to the hardware store and I bought myself a rope

And I tied it to the balcony and I sat down to write a note

but goddamn that writers block made me start to pour some shots

just to loosen up the thoughts inside my head

What do you know? I ended up dead drunk instead of simply dead

What makes this song extra awesome is the tune is quite catchy and upbeat-esque. Need more convincing? Here's lyrics from their song "Holy Sabbath Impending":

It seems that I've misplaced my keys

Don't you distract me from the search, my dear, with siren calls to bed

Right now I've got a swarm of angry hornets buzzing in my head

Make you useful, darling

Help me turn this bedroom upside down

There's no goddamn way I'll slide between them knees 

until my woes are drown in a river of whiskey

Trust me, these guys carry with them the official Kelly Cannon Seal of Approval. 

So where do you come in, dear and faithful readers? I'm so glad you asked. 

The Troubles have this lovely website: http://music.troubledtunes.com/

There you can download their EP, The Intemperance. It's well worth it. If you don't, you'll smush my feelings. 

Love you.

Mean it.