As I walk across my room
another small shard of glass
manages to inbed itself between my toes.
A quiet curse escapes my lips
and I hobble to my bed.
As I am pulling out the bloody shard
I realize two things.
One:
This shard of glass almost hurts
as bad as Scott's betrayal.
And two:
I should never smash glass frames
that held my lover's picture
in the bedroom where I walk barefoot.
~Note from Kelly~
I wrote this back in November of 2009 after my most recent relationship was destroyed. The breakup sent me into a state of depression that was pretty intense. But after I wrote this poem, I had to laugh. Then I wrote on the same page, "The only good thing about this depression is that for the first time in months, I can write a decent poem."
Love you.
Mean it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
My Breakup Letter With 2010
Dear 2010,
I think you know what this is. You know it's been coming for a while now. You & I just aren't right for each other. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're toxic for me. In the time we've spent together, I've been hurt so much. I can't do it anymore. It's time we went our separate ways.
I know what you're thinking. We did have some really great moments together, like when I discovered the genius that was David Foster Wallace or when Greg & Ali got married. I started writing for the UVU Review and quickly became the Assistant Culture Editor. I found an amazing friendship with Jon Timothy and made a lot of other new friends here in Provo. I met Dr. Crane and he quickly became my favorite professor at UVU. Jon Stewart, one of my greatest heros, put on the Rally to Restore Sanity, which was just epic. I visited Sean in Vernal and my friends in Cedar. My family got a new dog named Randy who just loves me. And above everything else, I've developed my passion for writing and have found real joy in it.
I'll never deny that these were really, really good times, 2010. But they don't cancel out all of the heartache and pain we shared. I spent nearly the entire year reprising my role as Kelly, the Dateless Wonder. I had to say goodbye to two of my dogs, Jenny & Scotty and endure many nights of being alone. But more than anything else, my move from Cedar City to Provo was by far the most painful & heartbreaking thing I had to endure this year. I was left alone without the support and comfort of my friends, and had to learn to adjust to a place I hadn't called home in four years. There were many trials and pain I had to get through when it came to problems with my family. And even though now, at the end of our relationship things have gotten better, 2010, I'll never be able to forget how hard you've been for me.
So it's time to say goodbye, 2010. I'd be lying if I said I'll miss you.
Good Goddamn Riddance.
Love you.
Mean it.
I think you know what this is. You know it's been coming for a while now. You & I just aren't right for each other. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're toxic for me. In the time we've spent together, I've been hurt so much. I can't do it anymore. It's time we went our separate ways.
I know what you're thinking. We did have some really great moments together, like when I discovered the genius that was David Foster Wallace or when Greg & Ali got married. I started writing for the UVU Review and quickly became the Assistant Culture Editor. I found an amazing friendship with Jon Timothy and made a lot of other new friends here in Provo. I met Dr. Crane and he quickly became my favorite professor at UVU. Jon Stewart, one of my greatest heros, put on the Rally to Restore Sanity, which was just epic. I visited Sean in Vernal and my friends in Cedar. My family got a new dog named Randy who just loves me. And above everything else, I've developed my passion for writing and have found real joy in it.
I'll never deny that these were really, really good times, 2010. But they don't cancel out all of the heartache and pain we shared. I spent nearly the entire year reprising my role as Kelly, the Dateless Wonder. I had to say goodbye to two of my dogs, Jenny & Scotty and endure many nights of being alone. But more than anything else, my move from Cedar City to Provo was by far the most painful & heartbreaking thing I had to endure this year. I was left alone without the support and comfort of my friends, and had to learn to adjust to a place I hadn't called home in four years. There were many trials and pain I had to get through when it came to problems with my family. And even though now, at the end of our relationship things have gotten better, 2010, I'll never be able to forget how hard you've been for me.
So it's time to say goodbye, 2010. I'd be lying if I said I'll miss you.
Good Goddamn Riddance.
Love you.
Mean it.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"Fill Your Hands, You Son of a Bitch!"
As I promised in my last post, here is the part where I talk about the movie True Grit, which I saw last night. It was pretty much one of the best movies of the year.
I love the Coen brothers and love nearly everything they've ever done (e.g. No Country for Old Men, The Ladykillers, O Brother, Where Art Thou, The Big Lebowski, Fargo, Raising Arizona). There style, their stories, their choices are great examples of why I love watching movies. When I first heard that there was going to be a retelling of True Grit, a moment of panic gripped my heart. I was raised on John Wayne and his True Grit (1969) is one of my favorite. I was terrified they were going to ruin the film that finally gave Wayne his only Oscar. (Though there is a belief that Wayne's Oscar for this film was a "sentimental choice, more in recognition of his forty year career." You can read more here.) But when I found out the Coen brothers were writing and directing, I calmed down a little. When I found out that Jeff Bridges was to play Rooster, I was not only completely at ease but also very excited. This movie was going to be awesome!
The Coen brothers masterfully brought in the elements they are known for and that I love so much. One of which was that the characters are so real yet sympathetic. I loved Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) in this movie way more than the Mattie Ross (Kim Darby) from the original. First, she really did look like she was 14, which is closer to the book the movie is based on. Second, her tenacity was so intense yet she was also so likable. It reminded me of Margie from the movie Fargo, which was also written & directed by the Coen brothers. Both women (though one is a woman and one is just a girl) are strong, assertive, and stubborn but are so likable, kind, and never cross the line of being a complete bitch or a whiny little baby. Steinfeld's Mattie was a brave yet kind character. Even when she was kidnapped by a posse, she keeps her wits about her. She even offers the ringleader of the posse her lawyer should she ever be caught. Darby's Mattie was just being pathetic.
One of the biggest differences between Steinfeld's Mattie and Darby's Mattie was she didn't hide behind her talk of her lawyer. Yes, she did bring him up but she didn't use him as a shield to hide behind. The only time she really used him as a weapon was when she was talking to the business man about the ponies her father had purchased. The 1969 Mattie would often use talk of her lawyer to try and reason (or threaten) the bad guys. It was pathetic and way overdone. They're bad guys. They don't care about lawyers, especially out in the middle of nowhere. It caused me to dislike Darby's Mattie. She was whiny and rather annoying. While watching Steinfeld's performance, I got the feeling that Mattie wanted a man with "grit" because he had to be able to match her own.
Like I mentioned earlier, these characters were so real and genuine. I felt like in the 1969 version, the characters are so over the top, hammy, and rather silly in comparison to this 2010 version. Here we see Bridges's Rooster Cogburn, warts and all, and we still like him because he is genuine. The one thing I'm still debating about is whose performance (Wayne's or Bridges's) I liked better when it came to his tenderness (I wouldn't go as far as to call it "love") towards Mattie. I loved Bridges when he stopped LaBoeuf from spanking Mattie by threatening to shoot him. I can't remember the exact words but he basically tells him if he doesn't stop, "it'll be the biggest mistake you ever made." There was something about the way Bridges's acted before he said that line and even while he said it. There was a realization, an epiphany that this girl had "grit." In the 1969 version, after Rooster and LaBoeuf watch Mattie cross the river, Rooster (Wayne) says, "By God. She reminds me of me." I believe this is part of the reason Rooster begins to care for Mattie. However, near the climax of the film, when Rooster has to carry Mattie to get help after she is bitten by a rattlesnake and the horse has died from exhaustion, Bridges can't hold a candle to the emotional power Wayne's performance gave. Seeing the Wayne's concern for his "Baby Sister" and the lack of concern for himself is just awe-inspiring, though I will say Bridges's does give a fantastic performance. He makes your heart ache after the horse dies but he keeps going.
However, I will say I am not going to pick sides when it comes to the iconic scene where Rooster takes on Ned Pepper & three other men. Both Bridges's and Wayne's performances were superb. If you don't know the scene, here is the dialogue:
Ned Pepper: What's your intention? Do you think one on four is a dogfall?
Rooster Cogburn: I intend to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged at Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience. Which'll it be?
Ned Pepper: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.
Rooster Cogburn: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!
Rooster then puts the reins in his teeth, and rides towards the posse, who also charge towards him. Rooster has a rifle in one hand and a pistol in the other. In Wayne's performance, we see him re-cock the rifle by swinging it all the way around. It's a spectacular scene and one of my all time favorites in film.
Another little detail I loved from this version was the fact you never really see the face of Tom Chaney until Mattie accidentally stumbles upon him by the river. It makes the scene that much more powerful and the man seems so much more sinister. But again, Josh Brolin's portrayal of Tom Chaney never crossed the line into a over-the-top, cliche villain. He was real. There was even a brief moment where I felt sorry for Chaney (it was terribly brief but still there). And like I mentioned earlier, Steinfeld's Mattie holds her ground and is brave when she encounters Tom Chaney. In Darby's performance, she tries to be brave but fails miserably and just comes off as pathetic.
It makes me feel terrible to imply I've "turned my back" on John Wayne. I haven't. The man is still one of my favorite actors and I will revere him till the day I die. But this retelling, from the characters to the story to the little bits of humor, is just an all around better film. I would gladly see it again. Who wants to take me?
Love you.
Mean it.
I love the Coen brothers and love nearly everything they've ever done (e.g. No Country for Old Men, The Ladykillers, O Brother, Where Art Thou, The Big Lebowski, Fargo, Raising Arizona). There style, their stories, their choices are great examples of why I love watching movies. When I first heard that there was going to be a retelling of True Grit, a moment of panic gripped my heart. I was raised on John Wayne and his True Grit (1969) is one of my favorite. I was terrified they were going to ruin the film that finally gave Wayne his only Oscar. (Though there is a belief that Wayne's Oscar for this film was a "sentimental choice, more in recognition of his forty year career." You can read more here.) But when I found out the Coen brothers were writing and directing, I calmed down a little. When I found out that Jeff Bridges was to play Rooster, I was not only completely at ease but also very excited. This movie was going to be awesome!
The Coen brothers masterfully brought in the elements they are known for and that I love so much. One of which was that the characters are so real yet sympathetic. I loved Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) in this movie way more than the Mattie Ross (Kim Darby) from the original. First, she really did look like she was 14, which is closer to the book the movie is based on. Second, her tenacity was so intense yet she was also so likable. It reminded me of Margie from the movie Fargo, which was also written & directed by the Coen brothers. Both women (though one is a woman and one is just a girl) are strong, assertive, and stubborn but are so likable, kind, and never cross the line of being a complete bitch or a whiny little baby. Steinfeld's Mattie was a brave yet kind character. Even when she was kidnapped by a posse, she keeps her wits about her. She even offers the ringleader of the posse her lawyer should she ever be caught. Darby's Mattie was just being pathetic.
One of the biggest differences between Steinfeld's Mattie and Darby's Mattie was she didn't hide behind her talk of her lawyer. Yes, she did bring him up but she didn't use him as a shield to hide behind. The only time she really used him as a weapon was when she was talking to the business man about the ponies her father had purchased. The 1969 Mattie would often use talk of her lawyer to try and reason (or threaten) the bad guys. It was pathetic and way overdone. They're bad guys. They don't care about lawyers, especially out in the middle of nowhere. It caused me to dislike Darby's Mattie. She was whiny and rather annoying. While watching Steinfeld's performance, I got the feeling that Mattie wanted a man with "grit" because he had to be able to match her own.
Like I mentioned earlier, these characters were so real and genuine. I felt like in the 1969 version, the characters are so over the top, hammy, and rather silly in comparison to this 2010 version. Here we see Bridges's Rooster Cogburn, warts and all, and we still like him because he is genuine. The one thing I'm still debating about is whose performance (Wayne's or Bridges's) I liked better when it came to his tenderness (I wouldn't go as far as to call it "love") towards Mattie. I loved Bridges when he stopped LaBoeuf from spanking Mattie by threatening to shoot him. I can't remember the exact words but he basically tells him if he doesn't stop, "it'll be the biggest mistake you ever made." There was something about the way Bridges's acted before he said that line and even while he said it. There was a realization, an epiphany that this girl had "grit." In the 1969 version, after Rooster and LaBoeuf watch Mattie cross the river, Rooster (Wayne) says, "By God. She reminds me of me." I believe this is part of the reason Rooster begins to care for Mattie. However, near the climax of the film, when Rooster has to carry Mattie to get help after she is bitten by a rattlesnake and the horse has died from exhaustion, Bridges can't hold a candle to the emotional power Wayne's performance gave. Seeing the Wayne's concern for his "Baby Sister" and the lack of concern for himself is just awe-inspiring, though I will say Bridges's does give a fantastic performance. He makes your heart ache after the horse dies but he keeps going.
However, I will say I am not going to pick sides when it comes to the iconic scene where Rooster takes on Ned Pepper & three other men. Both Bridges's and Wayne's performances were superb. If you don't know the scene, here is the dialogue:
Ned Pepper: What's your intention? Do you think one on four is a dogfall?
Rooster Cogburn: I intend to kill you in one minute, Ned. Or see you hanged at Fort Smith at Judge Parker's convenience. Which'll it be?
Ned Pepper: I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.
Rooster Cogburn: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch!
Rooster then puts the reins in his teeth, and rides towards the posse, who also charge towards him. Rooster has a rifle in one hand and a pistol in the other. In Wayne's performance, we see him re-cock the rifle by swinging it all the way around. It's a spectacular scene and one of my all time favorites in film.
Another little detail I loved from this version was the fact you never really see the face of Tom Chaney until Mattie accidentally stumbles upon him by the river. It makes the scene that much more powerful and the man seems so much more sinister. But again, Josh Brolin's portrayal of Tom Chaney never crossed the line into a over-the-top, cliche villain. He was real. There was even a brief moment where I felt sorry for Chaney (it was terribly brief but still there). And like I mentioned earlier, Steinfeld's Mattie holds her ground and is brave when she encounters Tom Chaney. In Darby's performance, she tries to be brave but fails miserably and just comes off as pathetic.
It makes me feel terrible to imply I've "turned my back" on John Wayne. I haven't. The man is still one of my favorite actors and I will revere him till the day I die. But this retelling, from the characters to the story to the little bits of humor, is just an all around better film. I would gladly see it again. Who wants to take me?
Love you.
Mean it.
Christmas Report
Christmas has come and gone. It was a pretty sweet day, no doubts about that. It was spent watching movies, going to the movies, watching football, cuddling with fluffy unicorns, eating tons of junk food, and dodging flying marshmallows.
Allow me to explain...
This year we started a new tradition. While we've always exchanged names within our family, this year we had to purchase a toy for our chosen family member. This was a great idea and I'm so glad we did this. My parents got me a fluffy white and pink unicorn a la Despicable Me. It was my favorite movie this summer and I begged my parents to get me a fluffy unicorn. I had completely forgotten about wanting one until I opened the bag and saw her. I really wish someone would have gotten a picture of my face. It was epic. Also, my sister Cindy got my dad a pump-action marshmallow shooter and a whole bag of mini marshmallows. This made opening gifts a bit perilous since at any moment, you could be pelted by flying marshmallows and forced to duck and cover. And I assure you, getting hit in the eye with a marshmallow that was shot out of a gun hurts more than it sounds like it would.
Later my dad, my mom, Cindy, and myself watched Despicable Me. My dad hadn't seen it but loved it. Cindy, mom, and I laughed through the whole thing. It's a freaking hilarious movie plus makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. There's a part where Gru is looking at his family tree portrait on the wall and the girls have drawn a line from Gru and added drawings of themselves underneath. Ohh, it breaks my heart! Not to mention the minions are so freaking funny! If you haven't seen this movie, go do it!
At ten last night, I went out with my bestie Jon and his brother Daniel and saw the movie True Grit. I was raised on John Wayne movies and the original True Grit is one of my favorites. But this masterful retelling by the Coen brothers is just fantastic! It's so freaking good! I'm going to add my thoughts about the film in a later post. There's just too much!
As Christmases go, this one was really awesome. I'm so very grateful for my family and for my friends for all the support and love they have given me.
Love you.
Mean it.
Allow me to explain...
This year we started a new tradition. While we've always exchanged names within our family, this year we had to purchase a toy for our chosen family member. This was a great idea and I'm so glad we did this. My parents got me a fluffy white and pink unicorn a la Despicable Me. It was my favorite movie this summer and I begged my parents to get me a fluffy unicorn. I had completely forgotten about wanting one until I opened the bag and saw her. I really wish someone would have gotten a picture of my face. It was epic. Also, my sister Cindy got my dad a pump-action marshmallow shooter and a whole bag of mini marshmallows. This made opening gifts a bit perilous since at any moment, you could be pelted by flying marshmallows and forced to duck and cover. And I assure you, getting hit in the eye with a marshmallow that was shot out of a gun hurts more than it sounds like it would.
Later my dad, my mom, Cindy, and myself watched Despicable Me. My dad hadn't seen it but loved it. Cindy, mom, and I laughed through the whole thing. It's a freaking hilarious movie plus makes you all warm and fuzzy inside. There's a part where Gru is looking at his family tree portrait on the wall and the girls have drawn a line from Gru and added drawings of themselves underneath. Ohh, it breaks my heart! Not to mention the minions are so freaking funny! If you haven't seen this movie, go do it!
At ten last night, I went out with my bestie Jon and his brother Daniel and saw the movie True Grit. I was raised on John Wayne movies and the original True Grit is one of my favorites. But this masterful retelling by the Coen brothers is just fantastic! It's so freaking good! I'm going to add my thoughts about the film in a later post. There's just too much!
As Christmases go, this one was really awesome. I'm so very grateful for my family and for my friends for all the support and love they have given me.
Love you.
Mean it.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
A Kind, Forgiving, Charitable, Pleasant Time. Part 3
(In case you missed it, Part 1 & Part 2)
"...I have always thought of Christmastime, when it has come round...as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men & women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"
Merry Christmas & God Bless Us, Everyone.
Love you.
Mean it.
"...I have always thought of Christmastime, when it has come round...as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men & women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys. And therefore, Uncle, though it has never put a scrap of gold or silver in my pocket, I believe that it has done me good, and will do me good; and I say, God bless it!"
-Fred from A Christmas Carol
by Charles Dickens
Leave it to Charles Dickens to be able to express my love of Christmas a billion times better (and a million times more concisely) than I ever could. I guess that's why he's Charles freaking Dickens.
Merry Christmas & God Bless Us, Everyone.
Love you.
Mean it.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Feeling Generally Pathetic (AKA Human)
"What passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human [...] is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and generally pathetic."
-David Foster Wallace
Love you.
Mean it.
Love you.
Mean it.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men Part Two
In case you missed it, here's part one.
There is another reason I love Christmas. It is a bit more religious in nature but I think it can apply to pretty much anyone.
In the New Testament, more specifically in the book of Luke, it talks about an angel coming to shepherds in their fields and telling them of the birth of Christ. In Luke 2:14 it says, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Now, even if you aren't Christian or even remotely religious, this is an idea that everyone can and should embrace. We're all on this Earth together. We should show more love and kindness to our fellowmen.
In 1914, the world was in the first four months of the 'war to end all wars.' It was miserable weather. British troops were on one side and German troops on the other, and in between was no man's land. Yet on Christmas Eve, both sides held a cease fire so they could celebrate Christmas. The British heard a German shout, "A happy Christmas to you Englishmen!" The Germans soon heard the British reply, "Same to you, Fritz, but dinna o'er eat yourself wi' they sausages!" In other places, the two sides exchanged Christmas carols. You can read the account yourself here. There were even places where the two sides would meet in the middle of no man's land! They would exchange cigarettes or souvenirs. They didn't speak each other's language but they would try to communicate in anyway they could. One witness said, "Here we were laughing and chatting to men whom only a few hours before we were trying to kill!" I'll be the first to admit, I am pretty cynical and pessimistic, but the story of the Christmas Truce, as it came to be known, helps me to believe that the idea of Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men can happen.
Sometimes, I hear stories of modern day "good Samaritans" who went out of their way to help another, even if it meant risking their own life like this man here. Or the story of the man who stopped an extremist church from burning a Quran. I also sometimes see simple acts of charity such as a young man stopping to help a woman who had dropped a bunch of papers at school or a guy pulling over and getting out of his car to help push a stalled car out of an intersection. All of these stories and firsthand accounts help me believe that there are good people out there who are willing to put aside their differences or ignore their own schedules & agendas, and just help their fellowmen. When we think about it, we're all in this together. We can make things really difficult for each other or we can help make things easier.
That is why I love Christmas. It seems like people decide to think of others and promote peace. Even if it's just once a year, it's a start. My previous Christmas post mentioned a song by Reliant K. There's another one by them called, "Boxing Day." It has a line that says, "But just for one day we all came together. We showed the whole world that we know how to love." If we can do that and keep doing that even after Christmas is over, I think this world is going to be okay.
Love you.
Mean it.
There is another reason I love Christmas. It is a bit more religious in nature but I think it can apply to pretty much anyone.
In the New Testament, more specifically in the book of Luke, it talks about an angel coming to shepherds in their fields and telling them of the birth of Christ. In Luke 2:14 it says, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men." Now, even if you aren't Christian or even remotely religious, this is an idea that everyone can and should embrace. We're all on this Earth together. We should show more love and kindness to our fellowmen.
In 1914, the world was in the first four months of the 'war to end all wars.' It was miserable weather. British troops were on one side and German troops on the other, and in between was no man's land. Yet on Christmas Eve, both sides held a cease fire so they could celebrate Christmas. The British heard a German shout, "A happy Christmas to you Englishmen!" The Germans soon heard the British reply, "Same to you, Fritz, but dinna o'er eat yourself wi' they sausages!" In other places, the two sides exchanged Christmas carols. You can read the account yourself here. There were even places where the two sides would meet in the middle of no man's land! They would exchange cigarettes or souvenirs. They didn't speak each other's language but they would try to communicate in anyway they could. One witness said, "Here we were laughing and chatting to men whom only a few hours before we were trying to kill!" I'll be the first to admit, I am pretty cynical and pessimistic, but the story of the Christmas Truce, as it came to be known, helps me to believe that the idea of Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men can happen.
Sometimes, I hear stories of modern day "good Samaritans" who went out of their way to help another, even if it meant risking their own life like this man here. Or the story of the man who stopped an extremist church from burning a Quran. I also sometimes see simple acts of charity such as a young man stopping to help a woman who had dropped a bunch of papers at school or a guy pulling over and getting out of his car to help push a stalled car out of an intersection. All of these stories and firsthand accounts help me believe that there are good people out there who are willing to put aside their differences or ignore their own schedules & agendas, and just help their fellowmen. When we think about it, we're all in this together. We can make things really difficult for each other or we can help make things easier.
That is why I love Christmas. It seems like people decide to think of others and promote peace. Even if it's just once a year, it's a start. My previous Christmas post mentioned a song by Reliant K. There's another one by them called, "Boxing Day." It has a line that says, "But just for one day we all came together. We showed the whole world that we know how to love." If we can do that and keep doing that even after Christmas is over, I think this world is going to be okay.
Love you.
Mean it.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Birthdays of Recent Memory
I turned 16 years old on December 17th in 2003. It was a Wednesday, which meant we didn't have to go to school till 9:20 a.m. I woke up and was taken out to breakfast by my two friends (at the time) Jason McNew & Kendall Pearson. I had been dating Jason early that year but had only recently broken up with him. I would eventually date Kendall as well, though the relationship would end in a horrific way. They were acting weird, saying that we couldn't go anywhere that took a long time but wouldn't say why we were in such a hurry. We ended up going to a doughnut place and feasted on doughnuts and chocolate milk.
When I got home, I found my room had been epically decorated by my two best friends Heather Smith & Danielle Butler, with some help from our other friend Lindsay Clarke. Heather, Danielle, and I had this thing where birthdays were a big deal and we'd always try to outdo each other in what we could pull off. We had to stop around age 17 because it got too ridiculous and expensive. They had enlisted the help of tons of friends, family, strangers, etc. to cut out hundreds of paper snowflakes of various sizes and had them hanging from the ceiling. They also hung white bedsheets over the walls to make everything seem like a winter wonderland. But the most amazing thing they did was cover the floor (albeit, I have a small room but still) knee-deep in shredded paper. I am not even exaggerating. They went to businesses and asked if they could take their shredded paper to be the "snow" in my winter room. It was incredible.
That day my mom checked me out of school to go get my license. After it was all said and done, we walked out and my mom wanted to get my picture by the car. However, in all the excitement, we took my picture by the wrong car. We had a great laugh about it. It was later that evening that I discovered that the Toyota Corolla that was my dad's car was now my car. Seven years later and she's still my Babygirl. She now has 192,000 miles on her, along with plenty of dents and scraps but I love her. She's never let me down.
It was 2004 when I turned 17. I don't remember what we did on my birthday but I remember the day after. I was dating a guy named David at the time. My best friend Danielle was dating a guy named Trevor. Us four decided we were going to go to Temple Square that night. Trevor lived in Bluffdale so we were going to pick him up along the way. The only trouble was we, David, Danielle, and I, got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic before we even got to the point of the mountain. However, this did not damper our spirits in the least. We had the windows rolled down, Christmas music blasting, and just goofed off. We talked to the people in the cars next to us and tried to cheer them up.
Even after we got Trevor and got back on the freeway, the traffic hadn't cleared. But we didn't care. We were having a blast. By the time we got to Temple Square, we only spent 20 minutes there before it closed. As I was driving everyone home (the traffic had all but disappeared by then), I noticed I was the only person awake in the car. Trevor and Danielle were cuddled up in the back and David had fallen asleep still holding my hand. I remember feeling this wonderful sense of love and peace for these three people. Danielle was my best friend and had been for nearly four years then and Trevor made her so happy. Danielle and Trevor ended up getting married, which I was fortunate enough to be a bridesmaid at their wedding. Their three year anniversary will be in January. David was my first love. He made me ridiculously happy. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the day after my birthday.
My 18th birthday was the worst birthday of recent memory. My entire family came down with some sort of flu bug and was too sick to celebrate. I was the only person who wasn't violently ill, so my parents gave me money to go out to eat with David. We were still dating and had only just passed our one year anniversary two months previously. We went to an Indian place called The Bombay House. For some reason, David and I were fighting about something. We hardly ever fought but we made up for lost time during this fight. I don't even remember what it was about. We were just angry and irritated with each other. The relationship didn't last for too long after that, maybe three more months at the most. Like most relationship where there was real love and passion when it was good, it was a horribly messy break up filled with hurt feelings and words we didn't mean.
I have little memory of my 19th birthday. The only thing I really remember was a gift I received. It was from my dear friend, Brian. He gave me Fight Club, both the movie and the book. I've since watched the movie hundreds of times and read the book even more. Fight Club was the first book by Chuck Palahniuk that I read. I've since read everything he's ever written, with the exception of Fugitives and Refugees, a book I can't seem to get my hands on.
My 20th birthday is similarly a blur. It was only a few weeks before I was to leave to go teach English in Russia so my presents all were in preparation for that adventure. I got my Canon powershot point & shoot camera that I still have today. I've taken thousands of pictures with that camera, including my trip to Russia, my trip to Canada, all my adventures in Cedar City, my assignments in my Intro to Photography class, and many more. I also remember my friend (and recently ex-boyfriend) Gus gave me the t.v. series Wonderfalls. We had watched the series during our very brief relationship. He also gave me a nice notebook to write in when I was in Russia.
I honestly don't remember a thing about my 21st or 22nd birthday. I know it was my 21st birthday that I got my Blackberry from my parents and my friends Amber McNew, Ashley McNew, and Paige McGuire came over. Other than that, I can't remember anything special or significant. This is kind of upsetting to me.
Two days ago was my 23rd birthday. It was pretty awesome as birthdays go. My family had dinner together, pizza from Nicolitalia Pizzeria, which is my new favorite place to eat. My cousin and his family came over. He and his wife have two kids, a 2-ish year old named Carter and a new baby named Juliet. Cute, cute, cute family. For presents, I got a sleeve protector for my laptop (so I won't borrow Kathy's anymore), some Victoria Secret lotion & body wash, and a new charm for my necklace. But the best gift was my awesome new saddle bag. It is freakin sweet! I love it.
After we had cake and ice cream, I jetted over to my friend's apartment building where the lovely Mary Buynak had thrown me a karaoke birthday party. A bunch of my friends were there. Usually I shy away from all things karaoke but everyone was getting really into it and having a great time. I didn't feel self conscious in the least. Seeing the two Doyle brothers, both big guys, serenade us with "Dust in the Wind," and seeing Josh Keele turn "Sweet Caroline" into a rock performance of the ages made me laugh until I cried. I even did a little ditty for the audience. Christina Freeman and I sang "What I Like About You" accompanied by some sweet dance moves. To say I had a blast would be an understatement.
Love you.
Mean it.
When I got home, I found my room had been epically decorated by my two best friends Heather Smith & Danielle Butler, with some help from our other friend Lindsay Clarke. Heather, Danielle, and I had this thing where birthdays were a big deal and we'd always try to outdo each other in what we could pull off. We had to stop around age 17 because it got too ridiculous and expensive. They had enlisted the help of tons of friends, family, strangers, etc. to cut out hundreds of paper snowflakes of various sizes and had them hanging from the ceiling. They also hung white bedsheets over the walls to make everything seem like a winter wonderland. But the most amazing thing they did was cover the floor (albeit, I have a small room but still) knee-deep in shredded paper. I am not even exaggerating. They went to businesses and asked if they could take their shredded paper to be the "snow" in my winter room. It was incredible.
That day my mom checked me out of school to go get my license. After it was all said and done, we walked out and my mom wanted to get my picture by the car. However, in all the excitement, we took my picture by the wrong car. We had a great laugh about it. It was later that evening that I discovered that the Toyota Corolla that was my dad's car was now my car. Seven years later and she's still my Babygirl. She now has 192,000 miles on her, along with plenty of dents and scraps but I love her. She's never let me down.
It was 2004 when I turned 17. I don't remember what we did on my birthday but I remember the day after. I was dating a guy named David at the time. My best friend Danielle was dating a guy named Trevor. Us four decided we were going to go to Temple Square that night. Trevor lived in Bluffdale so we were going to pick him up along the way. The only trouble was we, David, Danielle, and I, got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic before we even got to the point of the mountain. However, this did not damper our spirits in the least. We had the windows rolled down, Christmas music blasting, and just goofed off. We talked to the people in the cars next to us and tried to cheer them up.
Even after we got Trevor and got back on the freeway, the traffic hadn't cleared. But we didn't care. We were having a blast. By the time we got to Temple Square, we only spent 20 minutes there before it closed. As I was driving everyone home (the traffic had all but disappeared by then), I noticed I was the only person awake in the car. Trevor and Danielle were cuddled up in the back and David had fallen asleep still holding my hand. I remember feeling this wonderful sense of love and peace for these three people. Danielle was my best friend and had been for nearly four years then and Trevor made her so happy. Danielle and Trevor ended up getting married, which I was fortunate enough to be a bridesmaid at their wedding. Their three year anniversary will be in January. David was my first love. He made me ridiculously happy. I couldn't think of a better way to spend the day after my birthday.
My 18th birthday was the worst birthday of recent memory. My entire family came down with some sort of flu bug and was too sick to celebrate. I was the only person who wasn't violently ill, so my parents gave me money to go out to eat with David. We were still dating and had only just passed our one year anniversary two months previously. We went to an Indian place called The Bombay House. For some reason, David and I were fighting about something. We hardly ever fought but we made up for lost time during this fight. I don't even remember what it was about. We were just angry and irritated with each other. The relationship didn't last for too long after that, maybe three more months at the most. Like most relationship where there was real love and passion when it was good, it was a horribly messy break up filled with hurt feelings and words we didn't mean.
I have little memory of my 19th birthday. The only thing I really remember was a gift I received. It was from my dear friend, Brian. He gave me Fight Club, both the movie and the book. I've since watched the movie hundreds of times and read the book even more. Fight Club was the first book by Chuck Palahniuk that I read. I've since read everything he's ever written, with the exception of Fugitives and Refugees, a book I can't seem to get my hands on.
My 20th birthday is similarly a blur. It was only a few weeks before I was to leave to go teach English in Russia so my presents all were in preparation for that adventure. I got my Canon powershot point & shoot camera that I still have today. I've taken thousands of pictures with that camera, including my trip to Russia, my trip to Canada, all my adventures in Cedar City, my assignments in my Intro to Photography class, and many more. I also remember my friend (and recently ex-boyfriend) Gus gave me the t.v. series Wonderfalls. We had watched the series during our very brief relationship. He also gave me a nice notebook to write in when I was in Russia.
I honestly don't remember a thing about my 21st or 22nd birthday. I know it was my 21st birthday that I got my Blackberry from my parents and my friends Amber McNew, Ashley McNew, and Paige McGuire came over. Other than that, I can't remember anything special or significant. This is kind of upsetting to me.
Two days ago was my 23rd birthday. It was pretty awesome as birthdays go. My family had dinner together, pizza from Nicolitalia Pizzeria, which is my new favorite place to eat. My cousin and his family came over. He and his wife have two kids, a 2-ish year old named Carter and a new baby named Juliet. Cute, cute, cute family. For presents, I got a sleeve protector for my laptop (so I won't borrow Kathy's anymore), some Victoria Secret lotion & body wash, and a new charm for my necklace. But the best gift was my awesome new saddle bag. It is freakin sweet! I love it.
After we had cake and ice cream, I jetted over to my friend's apartment building where the lovely Mary Buynak had thrown me a karaoke birthday party. A bunch of my friends were there. Usually I shy away from all things karaoke but everyone was getting really into it and having a great time. I didn't feel self conscious in the least. Seeing the two Doyle brothers, both big guys, serenade us with "Dust in the Wind," and seeing Josh Keele turn "Sweet Caroline" into a rock performance of the ages made me laugh until I cried. I even did a little ditty for the audience. Christina Freeman and I sang "What I Like About You" accompanied by some sweet dance moves. To say I had a blast would be an understatement.
Love you.
Mean it.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
23 years old seems so young to lose faith in dreams.
The other day someone asked me my major and I told them I'm literature and cinema. They asked me what I wanted to do with that and I didn't exactly know what to say. I mean, I know what I want to do with my life but my major doesn't exactly match up with that plan. But I'm too far into my major now to change things. I need to get out of college and move on with my life. But maybe it's a good thing I still have at least another two years before I graduate because, frankly, I don't know how I'm going to make it work out there.
Whenever I think about the future, it scares the shit out of me. I keep worrying if I have what it takes to be able to accomplish what I want to do. I want to be a writer, yes, but how am I going to compete with all the other people out there who majored in journalism or creative writing or technical writing? I'm terrified I'm going to end up working a job I hate just because it's the only thing I can get.
When I think about my life and what I want to do with it, there are a few things that I know I have to do in order to feel like my life is worth anything. One of them is to feel like I'm making a difference, that I'm actually apart of something bigger than myself. It's not about having a huge house and driving expensive cars. I want to know that when I leave this stupid planet, I left it just a bit better than when I came. I know this is all silly idealism that would make any real cynic gag, but that's how I feel. Another thing is I want to get out of Utah. I don't mean to imply that Utah isn't a good place to grow up. I experienced it first hand and it's a great place to raise a family. But minus the five months I've lived in St. Petersburg, Russia, I've lived in Utah my entire life. I need a change. I need something different. I can't explain it, but I know if I stay here too long, it will end up destroying me. Another thing is I want to know I took risks, that I didn't play it safe my whole life. This is so important to me if I want to be a writer. I want to write the truth as I see it and maybe one day I will write something that will ruffle some feathers and shake some cages. I want to stand up for what I believe, even if I'm standing alone. Again, this is all silly idealism but it's important to me. Without these three things (and more) I'm going to feel like I lived my life in vain.
And if I end up somewhere doing something that isn't going to fulfill these "requirements," what then? Am I brave enough to sacrifice job security (even if it's something I dislike) to try and find something better? What if there is nothing better? What then?
I often say as a joke that "these are troubled times we're living in." But it is true to a point. My generation is facing a crisis. Do we do what is guaranteed to pay the bills or do we take a risk and try to make a go of doing what we love? Is it possible to do both? I've always intended on living a full and rich life, doing what I love and being successful. But I'm starting to realize just how hard that is going to be. And while I've never been one to back down from a challenge, I'm slightly hesitant because I'm not positive I can win and if I don't win, I have a lot to lose.
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.
23 years old seems so young to lose faith in dreams.
Love you.
Mean it.
Whenever I think about the future, it scares the shit out of me. I keep worrying if I have what it takes to be able to accomplish what I want to do. I want to be a writer, yes, but how am I going to compete with all the other people out there who majored in journalism or creative writing or technical writing? I'm terrified I'm going to end up working a job I hate just because it's the only thing I can get.
When I think about my life and what I want to do with it, there are a few things that I know I have to do in order to feel like my life is worth anything. One of them is to feel like I'm making a difference, that I'm actually apart of something bigger than myself. It's not about having a huge house and driving expensive cars. I want to know that when I leave this stupid planet, I left it just a bit better than when I came. I know this is all silly idealism that would make any real cynic gag, but that's how I feel. Another thing is I want to get out of Utah. I don't mean to imply that Utah isn't a good place to grow up. I experienced it first hand and it's a great place to raise a family. But minus the five months I've lived in St. Petersburg, Russia, I've lived in Utah my entire life. I need a change. I need something different. I can't explain it, but I know if I stay here too long, it will end up destroying me. Another thing is I want to know I took risks, that I didn't play it safe my whole life. This is so important to me if I want to be a writer. I want to write the truth as I see it and maybe one day I will write something that will ruffle some feathers and shake some cages. I want to stand up for what I believe, even if I'm standing alone. Again, this is all silly idealism but it's important to me. Without these three things (and more) I'm going to feel like I lived my life in vain.
And if I end up somewhere doing something that isn't going to fulfill these "requirements," what then? Am I brave enough to sacrifice job security (even if it's something I dislike) to try and find something better? What if there is nothing better? What then?
I often say as a joke that "these are troubled times we're living in." But it is true to a point. My generation is facing a crisis. Do we do what is guaranteed to pay the bills or do we take a risk and try to make a go of doing what we love? Is it possible to do both? I've always intended on living a full and rich life, doing what I love and being successful. But I'm starting to realize just how hard that is going to be. And while I've never been one to back down from a challenge, I'm slightly hesitant because I'm not positive I can win and if I don't win, I have a lot to lose.
Tomorrow is my 23rd birthday.
23 years old seems so young to lose faith in dreams.
Love you.
Mean it.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
He's Not Going to Stop Looking
I'm looking for a guy who makes it a habit of living in his head.
Who believes in art, math, and chai tea because he knows the good of them.
Who believes in miracles every time he hears a baby laugh.
He's intelligent in that unassuming kind of way that people can't help but like.
Who never steps outside without a pen in his back pocket and Converse on his feet.
He lets others take pictures while he makes memories.
He attacks life with a smile and a dark sense of humor.
I'm looking for a guy who keeps his promises and his secrets.
Who helps me with my coat and rises when a woman walks into a room.
He doesn't mind wasting Friday nights watching movies
as long as he's sharing a couch and a blanket with someone he cares about.
He isn't satisfied with mediocrity or normality and knows this place will destroy us both
if we stay too long.
I'm looking for a guy who has a sense of adventure.
Who will try anything once and dive in headfirst.
Who is naturally drawn to those people in the crowd who don't seem to fit,
who seem out of place because he knows those are the people with the best stories.
He's cynical about mankind in general yet always rolls down the window
to offer a few bucks to a man holding cardboard that reads
"God Bless."
Who always notices the strangest things
like how all the cars parked on the street are white or
how I play with my necklace when I'm uncomfortable.
I'm looking for a guy who laughs often,
either in short chuckles or loud, long bursts.
He always finds the humor of each situation, no matter how twisted or dark.
He doesn't trust people by nature but no one knows that.
He doesn't see the point in lying but tells the best stories.
Who has a soft spot for animals, though he'd never admit it.
He makes plans in pencil because he knows things always change.
The guy I'm looking for knows what it's like to be in love
and knows it won't answer any questions.
But he's not going to stop looking for it
because he knows nothing else compares.
Who believes in art, math, and chai tea because he knows the good of them.
Who believes in miracles every time he hears a baby laugh.
He's intelligent in that unassuming kind of way that people can't help but like.
Who never steps outside without a pen in his back pocket and Converse on his feet.
He lets others take pictures while he makes memories.
He attacks life with a smile and a dark sense of humor.
I'm looking for a guy who keeps his promises and his secrets.
Who helps me with my coat and rises when a woman walks into a room.
He doesn't mind wasting Friday nights watching movies
as long as he's sharing a couch and a blanket with someone he cares about.
He isn't satisfied with mediocrity or normality and knows this place will destroy us both
if we stay too long.
I'm looking for a guy who has a sense of adventure.
Who will try anything once and dive in headfirst.
Who is naturally drawn to those people in the crowd who don't seem to fit,
who seem out of place because he knows those are the people with the best stories.
He's cynical about mankind in general yet always rolls down the window
to offer a few bucks to a man holding cardboard that reads
"God Bless."
Who always notices the strangest things
like how all the cars parked on the street are white or
how I play with my necklace when I'm uncomfortable.
I'm looking for a guy who laughs often,
either in short chuckles or loud, long bursts.
He always finds the humor of each situation, no matter how twisted or dark.
He doesn't trust people by nature but no one knows that.
He doesn't see the point in lying but tells the best stories.
Who has a soft spot for animals, though he'd never admit it.
He makes plans in pencil because he knows things always change.
The guy I'm looking for knows what it's like to be in love
and knows it won't answer any questions.
But he's not going to stop looking for it
because he knows nothing else compares.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
So This Week...Holy Crap.
Holy crap.
I know it's only been about three days since my last post but it feels more like a lifetime. It's been the last week of classes so school has been basically the sole item on my mind. I've been working on a paper for my Academic Writing class and I really, really like it. It's going to be awesome when it's done. I have two other essays to write; one is due on Monday and the other on Wednesday but I know I can pull it off.
The other way more exciting news is we got another dog! His name is Randy after A Christmas Story. Our other dog is named Ralphie because we got him around Christmas time seven years ago. Randy is a chihuahua/rat-terrier mix and is adorable. He loves to be held and loves to cuddle. I just love him.
The other great news is last night we had our last improv show of the year and it was our best yet! It was so freaking funny! I don't know what made the difference but everyone had lots of energy, everyone was excited, we had great suggestions, and everything seemed to just click. It was a riot. I'm so glad we ended on a positive note.
Well, I know this post hasn't been too interesting but, as I mentioned earlier, school has been the only thing on my mind lately so even right now as I'm typing this, I'm thinking "Crap, I really need to keep working on that paper."
So until next time, Happy Christmas (or whatever other holiday you wish to celebrate.)
Love you.
Mean it.
I know it's only been about three days since my last post but it feels more like a lifetime. It's been the last week of classes so school has been basically the sole item on my mind. I've been working on a paper for my Academic Writing class and I really, really like it. It's going to be awesome when it's done. I have two other essays to write; one is due on Monday and the other on Wednesday but I know I can pull it off.
The other way more exciting news is we got another dog! His name is Randy after A Christmas Story. Our other dog is named Ralphie because we got him around Christmas time seven years ago. Randy is a chihuahua/rat-terrier mix and is adorable. He loves to be held and loves to cuddle. I just love him.
The other great news is last night we had our last improv show of the year and it was our best yet! It was so freaking funny! I don't know what made the difference but everyone had lots of energy, everyone was excited, we had great suggestions, and everything seemed to just click. It was a riot. I'm so glad we ended on a positive note.
Well, I know this post hasn't been too interesting but, as I mentioned earlier, school has been the only thing on my mind lately so even right now as I'm typing this, I'm thinking "Crap, I really need to keep working on that paper."
So until next time, Happy Christmas (or whatever other holiday you wish to celebrate.)
Love you.
Mean it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Because It Wasn't There Before
One of the reasons I love to write so much is the process of creation. I've been thinking about this ever since someone asked me a question on formspring. They asked when I will write my Mormon "exit story." In my explanation, I talk about how that story is told and perfected in my head and it wouldn't be any fun to write it. It would be more like typing it.
When I go to write something, I usually start off with a very small idea or a phrase or even just a word that intrigues me. I start writing and just see where it takes me. I try to get as much out as possible before I begin to self-edit. That process, me typing on my laptop, expressing ideas and emotions through my words, it's the most fun and exhilarating thing I can do. It's a glorious experience to create something that wasn't there before. And once it's all over, I send it out there to be read or ignored or whatever. It doesn't matter either way too much. What matters is that feeling of creation; to look down and see your work and know it's something that wasn't there before. I guess that's one of the big reasons why I write. To put it simply, it's fun.
Another reason is the fact no one can say what I have to say in the precise manner in which I say it. I know that's a bit confusing but think of it this way: if I don't write it, who will? I have my own voice, my own thoughts, my own experiences. If I don't write about them, if I don't try to express these ideas and experiences, who will? Just like with creation I am able to put something out there that wasn't there before. And if I don't create something that wasn't there before, no one will.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is this process of creation is not only fun and exciting but also vital (I'm not just speaking of my own work but creation in general). Everyone is capable of creating something to express themselves. Everyone needs to create. Because if they don't, who will?
Another reason is the fact no one can say what I have to say in the precise manner in which I say it. I know that's a bit confusing but think of it this way: if I don't write it, who will? I have my own voice, my own thoughts, my own experiences. If I don't write about them, if I don't try to express these ideas and experiences, who will? Just like with creation I am able to put something out there that wasn't there before. And if I don't create something that wasn't there before, no one will.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is this process of creation is not only fun and exciting but also vital (I'm not just speaking of my own work but creation in general). Everyone is capable of creating something to express themselves. Everyone needs to create. Because if they don't, who will?
Love you.
Mean it.
Mean it.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Singing
Last night was a birthday party for my friends Mary & Pricila. The evening included playing pool, dancing, catching up with friends, a photobooth, lots of food, and pièce de résistance: Glee Karaoke. I don't watch the show Glee. My taste in television usually leans towards shows where a dead body or two are involved (See Criminal Minds, NCIS, NCIS: Los Angeles, The Mentalist, etc). And while I am usually opposed to singing in public, my friends worked me over to sing a simple version of "Leaving on a Jet Plane." I only acquiesced because I actually like that song a lot. However, this was before I knew the song "Proud Mary" was an option. Never heard of it? Yes you have. Here's Ms. Turner singing it like a goddess. Mary and Pricila sang it and I had to join in (from the comfort of the couch to the right). And it was then I remembered how much I have always wanted to sing that way.
I've never considered myself much of a singer. I was in A Capella my senior year of high school and was very minor roles in school musicals but that was about it. It never bothered me too much. I never really liked singing musical numbers or pop-ish melodies. But I do have a sincere and lustful desire to be able to sing jazz, blues, gospel, and soul; something with a little attitude and "umph" behind it would suit me just fine. Alas, I am about as white as white could be and wasn't blessed with the most stunning voice either. I know if I had the time/money to take voice lessons, I could train my voice to sing better but I don't see the point anymore. If I found a genie, my very first wish would be to be able to sing like a big black southern woman, full of soul, emotion, and power.
Maybe in the next life...
Love you.
Mean it.
I've never considered myself much of a singer. I was in A Capella my senior year of high school and was very minor roles in school musicals but that was about it. It never bothered me too much. I never really liked singing musical numbers or pop-ish melodies. But I do have a sincere and lustful desire to be able to sing jazz, blues, gospel, and soul; something with a little attitude and "umph" behind it would suit me just fine. Alas, I am about as white as white could be and wasn't blessed with the most stunning voice either. I know if I had the time/money to take voice lessons, I could train my voice to sing better but I don't see the point anymore. If I found a genie, my very first wish would be to be able to sing like a big black southern woman, full of soul, emotion, and power.
Maybe in the next life...
Love you.
Mean it.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
It's overrated.
"I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day while I was sitting in my fort."
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