The way I was wired

Sometimes I have these moments during the day when I have to stop. It's not cause I'm stressed out or have too much to do but rather I can feel my depression tightening its grip on me.
And I feel I'm never going to be good enough for anything or anyone. It's stupid and futile to keep fighting the inevitable depression that is constant in my life.
And I have to stop.
I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and remind myself in a very real and literal way that I matter. I am good and I'm doing just fine. And everything is going to be okay.
I wish I didn't have to take the time to stop and remind myself that I have worth, that it'd just be inherent and obvious to me all the time.
But that's not how my brain was wired.
I was born with a defective brain in the sense that I have to make the conscious decision to push against what my brain is wired to do.
Because of the way my DNA decided to line up, my brain's default mode is depressed. I mean this in a very real way. I am always depressed. I have to push myself, force myself out of it and fight against my very nature in order to feel happy. It doesn't always work. And some days are harder than others.
A few weeks ago, I was really happy. I was happy every single day of the week. I didn't feel depressed and I went to bed without any despair. I could focus on my work without having to stop and push down the feeling of hopelessness that is always kept at bay. I felt joy in my interactions with others and didn't feel like it's all pointless. I felt like real connection was possible. That's a very odd thing to happen for me. It was an abnormal week for me.
I wish it could always be like that. I have so many things to be happy about and I know I should be happy. But, like I said, it's just not how it works for me. And so I have to constantly fight to get happiness in my life.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this.

Love you.
Mean it.

Year one at the Herald Journal

Yesterday was my one year anniversary working for the Herald Journal.
Today, the Salt Lake Tribune laid off about 20 percent of its staff.
There's a poignant juxtaposition for you, if I ever heard of one.

My year working as a reporter has been interesting. I've written hundreds of articles, met dozens upon dozens of people, had my fair share of people telling me I'm the worst, more than a few thank you cards and many other experiences that come with the job. Or rather, just sort of happen with this kind of job.

My heart aches for those at the Tribune who were laid off. People talk about how journalism is a dying field, that it's a waste of time and effort to go into journalism. I don't agree with that but I see the argument being made. People will always want to know what's going on. The rough part is people are unwilling to pay someone to write about what's going on.

Many people complain about the paywall up on the Herald Journal's website. I think their complaints are bollocks. We're professionals and as such, we won't do our work for free. Period. People don't seem to realize that and they'd be insulted if we asked them to do their job for free.

Writing is the one thing I know I'm really good at. And finding a way to make money out of that is just awesome. And no matter how frustrated or bored I may feel at my job, I constantly feel lucky that this is my job. I get paid to do what I love and what I know I'm good at. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Love you.
Mean it.

You never forget your first

You never forget your first.

Someone gives you a suggestion or a cover catches your eye.

You ask people about their first comic, they get a kind of stupid/nostalgic grin on their face. They recall what it was and how they got it and how it made them feel and little details they hadn't thought about in ages.

My first comic was Batman: The Long Halloween. I was 20 or 21. I was working for an English professor at SUU named Joe. He loved comics and taught classes on them. He recommended TLH to me.

I drove all the way from Cedar City to St. George because I didn't want to wait for it to be mailed to me.

As cliche as it sounds, reading TLH was a turning point in my life. It's what got me to read comics. I kept reading Batman trades that I picked up at random book stores. I moved on to Sandman and Hellboy.

Now five years later, a corner of my apartment has stacks of comics, both trades and weeklies. Comics are a big part of my life and it all started with Joe's recommendation to read TLH.

A few weeks ago, I was on vacation with the family. I was sitting there, reading a Deadpool collection, when my baby sister Cindy, age 19, came up to me and asked me about comics. After a brief conversation, she asked me how she could start reading them. I was so proud, my big sister heart nearly burst.

Cindy will be leaving for Rexburg for her second year of college. I'll be sending her a care package of comics to start her off with.

It will include The Long Halloween because, like I said, you never forget your first.

Love you.
Mean it.

Good luck

She pulled something small and silver out of her pocket and pressed it into his hand, a four-leaf clover that used to be a charm.
"Maybe it'll like you more," she said. "Never did me any good."
And she smiled that sad smile that just broke your heart.

Dealing with my body.

Once upon a time I was thin. Like really thin. I played soccer and ran track so I also had muscle tone. And I had no qualms with my body image. (I had other problems with depression and hating my life but that's a different story for different time). I knew I was hot and that guys wanted me and I LOVE it.

Then college came and I gained a little weight. But it still wasn't a big deal.

But then came the worst day of my life. And I gained more weight.

Then I started working with a trainer and I lost weight, a whole 12 pounds.

Then I graduated from college, moved to Logan and gained even more weight.

I am now the heaviest I've ever been in my entire life. And it's something I've had to adjust to. There are times I look in the mirror and I'm bewildered by what I see. I don't think of myself as this big but I am. I'm a heavy girl, a fat chick, "PLUS-SIZE."

There was a really long time when I really hated my body and it's enormity. I thought I was fat and ugly and unattractive and basically worthless and horrible.

Then, weirdly enough, I took part in a graduate study. Some woman working on her Ph.D (somehow connected to to my editor) was doing a study on women's body image, social pressure, etc. I was doing it because why not.

But then we got to the section about feminism and body image. As you know, I am not shy about my feminist beliefs. But I never really practiced feminism with my own body image. The idea of what is the "perfect body" is a patriarchal concept. How can I lift women up and encourage them to reject patriarchy if I hate my own body because it doesn't measure up to society's standards? It's hypocritical.

And so I reject fat shaming. I reject the idea of hating my body because it's bigger than it "should" be. I reject being ashamed of my body. Fuck that shit.

And so I've embraced my body. I embrace being heathy and eating right and exercising but not focusing on my weight but rather on being healthy.

In celebration of rejecting all shame I used to hold, I bought a bikini!

Want to know how to get a bikini body? Step 1: Buy a bikini. Step 2: Put it on your body.

Bam. Done. End of steps.

Love you.
Mean it.

Withdrawals

I've written about this before, my attempt to not be on medications anymore. Since the the last time I've written about this, I've gone down to just taking two medications— a big improvement from the six I was taking a few years ago. And even the dosage of those medications has reduced drastically. But now I'm trying to go from two to just one. And it's not easy.

The trouble with taking a medication for nearly 10 years is your body is used to it so much so that when you cease the input, your body hates you. I've experienced withdrawals before and they're just horrible. I'm currently experiencing them again though not as intense as they can be. There are no cold sweats. I'm not shaking uncontrollably. I'm still slightly sensitive to light and sound but it's not too bad The only thing really bothering me is my head is killing me and my body feels weird, like I'm not sure it really belongs to me. I'm trying to take it easy over the next few days till my body readjusts itself.

My decision to stop being on medication primarily comes from the very fact I've been on them so long. I don't really recall a time when I wasn't on them. I want to see if I can function without them.

I'm not saying medications are bad. In fact, I'd claim the opposite. Medication and therapy definitely have their place. I wouldn't have gotten through the shit I've been through without them. The decision to go off them is a personal one and should not be judged by anyone.

I'm sorry if this post doesn't make any sense. My head is throbbing and the screen light isn't helping.
But I wanted to explain what was going on and why I'm doing it.

Love you.
Mean it.

Jealousy is the cousin of greed

There is this song, "The Curse of Curves" by the band Cute is What We Aim For. It has a line that says, "Jealousy is the cousin of greed." Since lyrics are open to interpretation, I've taken that particular line to mean that jealousy is closely tied to greed, meaning you don't believe you have enough in your life and you desire more.

I've always like that. I thought it was pretty poignant.

But I've never really had a problem with jealousy. My entire life, I've never been seriously jealous of anyone. Even when I went through the worst of the worst of my depression, where I hated my life and hated my existence and pretty much hate everything, I never really felt jealous of anyone or their life. I don't know if this is because I was too caught up in my own despair or I figured everyone's else's life is fake because they couldn't accept that life was meaningless. Whatever the reason, I was never, ever jealous of anyone else's life.

But recently, I've found myself encountering feelings of jealousy more and more, lately.

And it's weird. It's a new feeling. And I don't know what to do about it.

I see people on Facebook and they're building houses, they have enough money to build a house. And I get jealous because I rent a small, one bedroom apartment.

I see people going on trips to Spain and England and Europe and I get jealous.

And even simple things make me jealous.

Like I see my ex-boyfriend. He and his current girlfriend have moved in together into a small basement apartment.

And I got jealous. I have NO desire to get back together with him. That'd be awful. I mean, we definitely broke up for a reason.

But I jealous. Not over him but over concept that he had someone and they were living together and they were happy.

I see groups of friends together, laughing and joking together. And I get jealous because I don't have that here in Logan. I have a few acquaintances here and there. But I don't have a solid group of friends, which is frustrating. And so whenever I see a group of friends and that camaraderie, I get super jealous.

I don't know how one handles jealousy. Again, this is a completely new emotion for me. I cannot remember a time when I was this jealous all the time and of everybody.

It's kind of stupid. It's like I'm jealous of  every single person I encounter.

I'll admit that I'm having a hard time here in Logan. It's not because of my job. I love my job. I absolutely love my job. But it's because I don't have a social life, I don't have that feeling of community or connection or a place where I belong or a place where I'm accepted. I don't have those people I can call up and hang out with or a place where I can go where people love an accept me.

I think no matter where a person goes or what they do, they need to have a sense of belonging, they need to have friendship. Otherwise, what's really the point of everything?

My life revolves around my work. And I'm not saying that like those people who work 60+ hours a week. I mean, there really is nothing else in my life except my job. I get up. I got to work. I do my job. Then I come home and try to fill the remaining hours in a day. I have hobbies, yes, like cross stitch and comics. But, as Norman Bates said in Psycho, "Hobbies are suppose to pass the time, not fill it."

The trouble is I don't know how an adult is suppose to make friends. In the past, I've had church or college. Both served as a jumping off point to form friendships. Since I no longer have either of those in my life, I don't know what to do.

I've been trying to be brave and put myself in situations that scare me, as in going out by myself and try to interact with people. I know I come off as awkward and weird. I try not to be but I'm pretty sure that's all I am nowadays. But the point is I'm trying. I'm trying to go out and meet people and make friends or, at the very least, not feel so goddamn alone, even if it's only for an hour.

I guess my jealousy is closely related to greed. I do want more in my life. I want more meaning. I want more purpose. I want some place where I feel like I belong. But maybe it's not such a bad thing, to be greedy. I mean, it's easy to want more when you have nothing.

Love you.
Mean it.

You get what everyone else gets...

I recently found out that a friend from high school died last week. She was in a car accident and had a seizure. Her funeral was on Saturday. I only found out cause an old boyfriend of mine thought to text me about it.

It really shocked me. She was my age, recently married, happy. She and I were bridesmaids at our mutual friend's wedding back in 2009. She had her whole life ahead of her. She didn't deserve to die.

People react to death in a number of ways. My reaction was shock and then anger, real bloody anger. I'm an atheist but if there was a god, I'd punch him in the face for pulling this type of shit.

It's funny how when people encounter a death like this, a seemingly random, unjustified death, they begin to ponder their own mortality and question their own belief system. I did something similar to that but it didn't really change anything. I mean, I'm still an atheist. I don't believe there is a god out there and even if there were, this type of occurrence proves he doesn't give a shit about us.

If anything, it only reaffirmed my belief in being a good person. This life is all we got. It really doesn't matter if there is something after this existence or not.

This life is all we get to do as much good as possible, to change as many things for the better. If there is a god and an afterlife and such, then we'll be rewarded. If there isn't, we left the world a better place than when we found it. Unless you're an insufferable prick, shouldn't that be the ideal to strive for?

Who knows how long we have on this "pale blue dot?" Faith and religion have nothing to do with choosing to live your life for goodness.

As Neil Gaiman put it, "You get what everyone else gets—you get a lifetime." 

Love you.

Mean it. 

The time I went to a Magic: The Gathering pre-release

While I consider myself a pretty dorky person, I have never delved into the realms of card games such as Magic: The Gathering. That is just too nerdy for me to handle. As such, I know very little about Magic and other similar games. Since becoming friends with a guy named Chris, who works at the local comic store (LCS), I've been slowly learning more about this game.

It just so happened that on the weekend of Jan. 25-26, there would be the Gatecrash pre-release for Magic. Every year, Magic releases four new sets of cards. The LCS's and other shops have events called pre-releases where, at midnight, people can get one of these new sets a week before they are officially released and play in a tournament with them. The more Chris explained, the more fascinated I became. Through various discussions with him, I've come to learn that Magic is a pretty expensive hobby with certain cards being worth $1,000 or more. This sounded ridiculous to me but he informed me that the LCS has a card worth $400-600. After explaining more about this pre-release and tournament, I knew I had to witness it first hand. It was like some bizarre ritual from a subculture of life. My curiosity was peaked. I couldn’t pass it up.

I show up around 10:30 p.m. and the LCS is getting pretty full. Tables are set up in long stretches and people are playing Magic and talking in small groups. The closer we get to midnight, the more people show up. At the last pre-release Chris said that 90 people showed up. I'm prepared for the worst. I’m approaching this as non-judgmental as I can be, trying to view it as something akin to an anthropological study. Being non-judgmental is hard enough for me under the best of circumstances so I keep reminding myself to keep an open mind.

I think the most surprising aspect of the night is the various kinds of people that show up. Some are overly fat and some are painfully thin. Some look like the stereotypical guys who would play Magic but there is a surprising number of different looking people here. Two hipster looking guys show up. The one is wearing tight salmon color jeans and has a skunk bleach streak through his hair. The other is in tight jeans and has perfectly tousled hair. There's a group of guys all wearing Aggies football/basketball t-shirts and hoodies, looking like they just came from the student section of a game. One white guy has cornrows, I swear to god. Most are sporting facial hair at various levels of success. One guy has an epic waxed mustache that is curled to perfection. A handful of guys have longer of hair than I do. A painful number of them remind me of exes. One in particular, named Atticus, looks eerily like an ex whom I used to call Atticus as a joke. There's more than a few married couples here, one with an infant. Others sport wedding rings but left the wife at home, I guess. Ages range from old and bald with flood pants to teenagers with long, greasy hair and baby faces. I am one of nine women.

The table tops are scattered with assortments of junk food, ranging from powdered donuts to granola bars. Energy drinks abound. This seems to be a staple at these events. They're mostly the large, brightly colored kind you see lining a gas station drink selection but I see a few Red Bulls and a couple 5-Hour Energy drinks. People sit on both sides of the long stretches of tables, chatting about their cards that they show off in binders, flipbooks or in individual protective plastic sleeves.

As I listen to the conversations, I try to make sense of what they're saying. It's a hopeless task. While I understand a majority of the individual words, combining them makes them seem like gibberish. My native companions make an attempt to teach me how this game is played. After watching a few games, I'm thoroughly confused, only having a vague recollection of the key terms Chris taught me earlier like tap and mana. Chris explained that Magic is a game that is easy to learn but difficult to master, not a comforting thought considering how hopelessly lost I already am. I related this statement to both NC Leah & Bryanne. They agree, admitting that they still have trouble with parts.

Out of the 85 players, only seven are women. The one with the infant has it strapped to her chest in one of those complicated streatchy fabric deals. I say infant because the thing can't be more than 2 months old. I try not to judge but it's nearly midnight and that baby needs to be in bed, not in a comic book store strapped to its mama's chest.

Midnight finally comes with with a final warning to register from the judge, whose name I have learned is Jeremy. He has come up from the store in Ogden to oversee this tournament. Being the judge, he has the final say in any questions the players may have in the tournament. I don't know how long Jeremy has been doing this but I assume it's a lot if his word is law when it comes to Magic tournament questions.

Midnight comes and goes with Chris and Judge Jeremy calling out names to give out and double check DCI numbers. I later find out DCI numbers are like a “social security number” for Magic. It's an identification number from the official sanctioning body for all competitive play in Magic. I didn't even know there was such a thing. This is the other thing I is most surprising to me. Magic is a BIG FREAKING DEAL.

Judge Jeremy then officially begins the evening by welcoming everyone and then explaining the different guilds that will be handed out in a few moments. There are five new guilds, Simic, Gruul, Boros, Orzhov, and Dimir. Judge Jeremy goes on to explain the different “mechanics” of each guild. He says things like “When you cast a spell, you can pay a black or white” or “You cannot pay for multiple triggers” or “....encode the spell on a creature.” Again, all those words make sense individually but by combining them, I have no idea what he is talking about. While Judge Jeremy is announcing the different guilds, the members of the different guilds talk trash to one another. I guess competitiveness isn't just for sports.

The players are then instructed to open their guild boxes and it's like Christmas. Random cheers spring up when someone gets a really good card with a few jealous taunts issued in return. “Goddamnits” escape when the cards aren't as favorable.

Talk reduces to low murmurs as people take a closer examination of their cards, trying to figure out strengths and weakness of their packs. Each guild box came with five packs of cards, a set of dice and a sticker with the guild logo on it. One older man who looks like David Cross (I swear to god) will eventually stick that sticker on his bald forehead, managing to look even more stupid and ridiculous than he already does. People compare their cards saying “I've got...” and then say something that sounds like a word J.R.R. Tolkein made up.

Eventually, Chris and Judge Jeremy put up the tournament starting matches up, one list at the front of the room and another at the back. You find out who you're playing by finding out what table marker you're suppose to be at. They go up to 43. Despite announcing this, people come up asking who they are playing. That is when I notice one player is walking around without shoes. Maybe it's just one of my pet peeves but a grown-ass adult should never remove their shoes and walk around in a public place barefooted. Despite my best efforts to keep an open mind, this guy manages to get on my “judged harshly” list.

The tournament officially begins. Each match is the best out of three. The winner is suppose to come up and write their name on this piece of paper and state how they won, i.e. 2-0 or 2-1. It's not a single elimination type of tournament and everyone is guaranteed at least four rounds of play. After that, eliminations begin. People come up and start writing their names. I find out a man wearing patriotic sweat pants (the kind with the stars on one leg and the stripes on the other. He is also wearing a fanny pack, I swear to god) has traveled up from Salt Lake to attend this tournament with his brother, who currently lives in Logan. Some players comment to Chris or Judge Jeremy on the specifics of how they won, using words I don't understand.

Unfortunately, this is where my observations had to end. It’s nearing 2 a.m. and I have to work in the morning. I say goodbye to Chris and native companions Andrew, Bryanne and Leah, and to Judge Jeremy though I don't think he even knew who I was. I put on my coat and gloves, preparing myself for the cold. The tournament is going to continue on into the night, finishing up at 6 a.m. There is going to be an additional two pre-releases/tournaments the next day, with Chris only getting a few hours of sleep in between since he has to open the store at 11 a.m. I leave feeling tired and bewildered.

Love you. 

Mean it. 

Feminism: A not so brief definition

Whenever I tell someone who does not know me very well or vice versa that I'm a feminist, I have internal mini panic attack over what they think that means and therefore what they think about me. I'm not sure how, when or why it happened but there have developed so many misconceptions about what feminism is and is not that I spend a surprising amount of time explaining myself and my choice to others (something I truly dest doing no matter what the context or content).

Granted, feminism has been around for a while and has gone through many waves, changes, focuses, etc. but the essential core of feminism is the belief that women deserve the same rights, privileges, opportunities etc. as men and should not be discriminated against just because they happen to be women. However, because of its changes, misconceptions still abound. And frankly, I'm getting really sick of it.

So I am here today to try and set the record straight. The following is an attempt to explain what feminism is and what it is not. It is by no means an exhaustive list and is not the end all be all but it's a start.

Feminism is not...

• Man-Hating

This is probably the biggest misconception that I encounter and I'm probably not alone on this. Feminism and feminists do not hate men as a general whole. It's true that it may seem like we direct a lot of our frustration and anger towards men (and it is true in the sense of us hating rapists, pimps, wife-beaters, etc.) but it's not necessarily true. Instead, feminist hate patriarchy. Patriarchy, for the uninitiated, is a form of social organization in which the father or just a male is the supreme authority or beneficiary of the society or family. Most civilizations, societies and religions are patriarchies, where men are viewed as the dominant, superior sex and receive and enjoy the most benefits of the society. As such, while patriarchy lifts men up, it simultaneously pushes women down.

The evidence of patriarchy can be seen all over the place: a woman being paid less than a man for the same work, the expectation of a woman to get married, stay at home and raise the kids (not that there is anything inherently wrong with wanting to stay at home and raise kids. More on that later), the idea that girls only like dolls and dresses and other gender expectations/restrictions. Patriarchy thrives and it is that, not men, that feminists fight against.

It's true that men may be the the main supporter behind patriarchy since it's existence benefits them the most. However, just like men can be feminists (more on that later), women can be supporters of patriarchy. Again, it is patriarchy feminists seek to destroy, not men. 

• Anti Marriage and Family

This is probably the second biggest misconception I encounter as a feminist and it's probably a result of the misunderstanding of the feminist movement of the 1960s & 70s. If feminism was against being a wife and mother, it would be against the right for a woman to choose how she lives her life. Rather, feminism is against the expectation that a woman can ONLY be a wife and a mother, an idea/expectation that that is a pure result of the gender roles constructed by patriarchy. 

Feminism believes a woman has the right to choose how she lives her life without the judgement or interference of society. If a woman chooses to be a wife and stay at home mom, great. If she chooses to be a wife and mom and wants to work outside the home, awesome. If she chooses to be married and not have kids, fantastic. If she chooses to remain single, wonderful. If she chooses to be a single mom, terrific. The whole point is that she has the right to CHOOSE. 

• The Belief that Women Are Better than Men

The whole point of feminism is not to put women above men or to give women more benefits or privileges than men. If it did, we feminists would be no better than the perpetrators of patriarchy. The whole aim of feminism is equality. If it appears like we raise women up, it is only in the attempt to get them to the same level that men have enjoyed for centuries. 

• Just Women

I am proud to say I have a lot of male friends who are feminists. Again, feminism believes in equality for both men and women. Men can make excellent feminists and I'm delighted whenever I find one. 

(On a side note, there is no place inside the feminist movement for women who ostrisize men from feminism just because they are men. This pisses me off to no end. I've encountered these so called "feminists" who say men can't join the fight because they are male and therefore cannot possible empathize and understand the plight of women. While this may be true, it's a bullshit reason to exclude anyone from any activist movement whose aim is equality. Following that logic, non-gays can't believe and work towards gay rights. Non-blacks can't believe and work for civil rights. If the point is to be equal, ALL people are welcome to join the struggle.)

Feminism is...

• Still relavent and needed

I encounter this misconception all the time and unfortunately it's often from other women when they explain why they don't identify as feminists. While feminism has made great strides during its existence such as the right to vote, the right to higher education, Roe vs. Wade, reproductive rights in general, etc. the fight is far from over. 

It is a fact that a women still get paid, on average, 75 cents for every dollar that a male makes for the same work. Rape culture is abundant and places far too much blame on the victim (when in actuality, NO blame should be placed on the victim). Reproductive rights are constantly being challenged. Sexism abounds. The hyper-sexualization and objectification of women is freaking everywhere. And probably most importantly, the mentalities that are a direct result of patriarchy still thrive and are considered the norm. 

We have made gains, yes. But our struggle and our fight is not over and will never be over until patriarchy is destroyed.Not to mention, we must be constantly vigilant to ensure that the gains that we have made will never, ever be challenged again. 

• A Movement that Encompasses All Aspects of Life

It is my belief that the main reason women don't see the need for feminism anymore is because they don't realize how patriarchy has defined every aspect of life as we know it. As such, the fight for feminism is a fight that involves every aspect of existence. 

We fight for political freedom to choose our representatives, to not have them perpetuate patriarchal standards and to ensure our reproductive rights are protected. We fight for economic justice to see that women get paid the same as men for the work they do, to ensure that a woman is not passed over for a promotion or a job just because she has a vagina. We fight for social change, to end the hyper-sexualization and objectification of women, to destroy rape culture and domestic violence, to stop sexism everywhere it exists, and shatter all bullshit gender roles that try to define what being a woman means. We fight for educational opportunities that are equal to the ones men have enjoyed for years, to be taken seriously in any educational endeavor we choose and not be cast aside because we are women. 

• For All Women

As mentioned above, feminism does not want to destroy families or marriage. We strive to ensure every single woman has the same right to choose how she lives her life free from judgement and persecution of society. There is a place for every single woman inside the movement, no matter your age, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, marital status, immigration status, etc. Just as every woman can benefit from the existence of feminism, feminism can benefit from the experience, commitment and loyalty of every single woman. We are here to fight for the quality of our lives, to no longer be content as the "second sex." 

Just as we are here today because of the struggle and fight of women before us, we fight for the women who will come after us. And we will never stop the fight. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Religion: Fascinating but unappealing.

I just finished watching this four part documentary called "The Calling." It follows seven Americans as they become professional religious leaders. They were Catholic, Presbyterian, Evangelical, Muslim and Jewish. The whole thing was pretty fascinating to watch, seeing their journey in dedicating their life to religion and to serving their community.

Despite being an atheist and being very content to remain so, religion is fascinating to me. Watching this documentary, I was able to better understand why religion is so interesting to me without appealing to me at all. The main fascination is the concept that there is this unseen entity that is watching over all of us and by living our lives a certain way, by praying to him, by singing to him, by dressing a certain way or by eating certain things, then he will bless us with happiness in this life and in the next. The whole thing seems utterly ridiculous to me but it is interesting to see just how far people are willing to go to please their own version of this unseen deity.

While most religions have the same basic understanding when it comes to what is good and permissible to do and what is considered to be bad or evil, the details get all muddy and seem frivolous in my perspective. For instance, nearly all religions say don't kill. That's a given. But when it comes to something like modesty for women, different religions are all over the place from Muslims wearing a hijab to moderate Christian faiths not really caring at all. Even within Christianity, there is debate over what is acceptable. What is considered modest by Catholics may not be the same for Mormons or Lutherans. While most religions agree on what is good and right, they vary so widely on nit picky items like modesty that it becomes an exercise in futility to determine which is really the correct one.

As I watched these people as they began the journey to dedicate their entire lives over to their faith, I thought about my views as an atheist. Because I don't believe in a god, there is nothing really that tells me how to live my life accordingly. There is no deity holding the fear of pain and suffering over my head nor is there someone holding out the carrot of love and happiness either. Everything I chose to do in my life is because I think it's the right thing to do. I find it incredibly liberating to be able to live my life exactly how I think it should be led.

I'm not saying that these people whose life solely revolves around their religion are unhappy. On the contrary, I'm sure they are happy, just as I am happy. I have found a way to live that makes me happy and fulfills me, just as these people in the documentary along with other religious people have also found a way to live and be happy. I really don't think there is just one way to go about htis life. As long as you find something that helps you be happy and helps you be fulfilled without hurting others, cheers.

I don't think it'll ever get to the point where I choose to convert to any particular belief but religion will continue to fascinate me.