Thanatophobia

I am tentatively scheduled to die.
One day, for some reason
or for no reason at all,
my lungs will stop breathing,
my heart will stop beating,
and I won't be anymore

Everyone dies.
Everyone knows everyone dies.
Some believe there's something after this.
Some know their options after this.
But I don't.
At least, not anymore.

You see that poor, inert bird on the sidewalk that will never fly again
I crouch down on my knees and cry.

Where do we go, little bird?
Where do we go?

Forgetting my old religion

I don't remember the last time I sincerely prayed. I don't remember the last time I read the Bible or the Book of Mormon The last time I went to church was on Christmas Day because my entire family was going and I didn't want to stay at home alone with the dogs and the presents. Before that, I don't remember the last time I went to church.

I'm starting to forget some of the details of my old religion. I get stories from the scriptures mixed up. I can't recall the wording on some scriptures. I only vaguely remember how some church hymns go. I have no idea who is in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. All these things that at one time were so second nature to me are now almost foreign.

When you're raised in a family that is a devout believer in any faith, those beliefs become infused with your childhood, with your upbringing. It's almost impossible to separate the two. And now I am forgetting the very things that were carefully taught to me, things that were considered fundamental.

I knew leaving the religion I grew up in would mean a lot of redefining in my life right now. I never considered how it may change my views of the past.

Love you.
Mean it.

Happiest Accident

"So, there you go. Turns out I've had the most terrible things happen. And the most brilliant things. Sometimes, well, I can't tell the difference. They're all the same thing. They're just me."

–Elton 

"Love and Monsters"

Doctor Who

Every time someone finds out that I'm graduating this April, they ask me what I'm getting my degree in. After I tell them it's English, they ask me if I'm going to teach. I say no, that I'm going into journalism. They get a confused look on their face and usually ask why I didn't get my degree in journalism. I then have to go through the story of how I started doing journalism when I moved back to Provo because I had no friends in the area anymore and I was bored out of my mind. Then by luck or whatever, I ended up being the Assistant Culture Editor before I had even been at UVU for five months and Life Section Editor before I had been there a year. 

This is essentially the same story I tell people when they ask me how I got into journalism. The truth of the matter is it was mostly sheer dumb luck. I was bored so I started writing. The old culture editor had to quit so his assistant became editor and I became the assistant. 

Even though my journey into journalism was basically an accident, it was the happiest accident of my life. I can't imagine doing anything else. I really love my work and, as it turns out, I'm pretty good at it too. It's funny. I never would have considered journalism to be my calling but it's a career that suits me, my personality, and my ethics so perfectly. 

The funny thing is I never would have even considered going into journalism if I hadn't had to move back to Provo. Before I left Cedar City, I had finally admitted to myself I didn't want to teach high school. This had been my plan for the past four years or so. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I figured I'd follow in the footsteps of my friend Joe and go to grad school and then teach in college. It was a tentative plan but it was my plan. 

Then it happened. The worst day of my life. The day I lost everything. 

They say hindsight is 20/20. I never thought I'd ever be okay again after that day. But the funny thing is if what happened didn't happen, I probably never would have gone into journalism. I would have no reason to. 

It's ironic, I guess. The worst day of my life eventually led me to the best decision of my life. The day that held the most pain in the world for me has led me to feeling so happy every day. 

I guess that's the way it works out sometimes. The terrible things and the good things. Sometimes they're just the same thing. They're just me. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

Creature from the Awkward Lagoon

There was a time in my life when I was not only cool (a subjective term, yes, but trust me, I was) but I was also an excellent flirt. I had a way with guys that could get them to not only talk to me at that moment but want to talk to me in the future. It was pretty standard procedure: I talk to a guy, I'd flirt and be generally awesome, he'd ask for my number and we'd continue talking/flirting with each other on a later date.

But time has not been kind to Kelly Cannon. Imagine, if you will, a number line like the ones you had to use in high school math class. Now, the middle of this number line is 0. 0 represents a person who is not flirtatious but isn't weird or abnormal in anyway. The line extends to 5 on the right. 5 represents a normal flirtatious level. In the past, I would rate myself at a 7. Now, to the left of the 0 is the negative region. A -5 represents a general awkwardness. Today, I would rate myself at a good -6 on this figurative number line.

This means not only have I lost my ability to flirt properly, but I've also fallen into the realm of the awkward. Being the awkward creature that I am has the exact opposite outcome of being a good flirt. While guys would want to continue talking to me and go out of their way to continue to talk to me, now they seem to go out of their way to avoid talking to me.

I can say, in all honesty & with only a bit of embarrassment, I haven't been in a relationship in over two years. Not only this but I can't remember the last time I've been asked on a date. I've asked guys on dates, yes, but this is not the same thing. And while there can be several causes to this uncomfortable truth, I know that it is in part due to this unnatural level of awkwardness within me.

I don't know when I made the Jekyll/Hyde transformation from flirt to awkward specimen. But I am able to recognize my symptoms. When I'm around a guy I find attractive, I tend to talk. A lot. More than normal. More than is natural. Essentially, I just can't shut up. It's bad. And not only do I not shut up, I begin to talk about really, really esoteric subjects like the mythos of Cthulhu or the fact that goats have rectangular pupils and that weirds me out. Okay, so sometimes they're not so esoteric as they are just odd.

The trouble is that my mind seems to only function at one speed: a bazillion miles an hour. This means that at any given time I'm thinking about about 7-12 different things, making connections, drawing conclusions, etc. It's pretty normal for me to get really frustrated with conversations because it takes others longer to finish thinking about something I've already thought all the way through. This leads to my verbal diarrhea when encountering a cute boy to go off into seven different directions for no real reason and to bring up subjects both esoteric and odd.

Sometimes I can try to play this off by saying, "And I'm talking too much" and physically put my hands over my mouth. Some guys may find this cute and quirky. Or at least I hope they find it quirky... My dating life would say otherwise.

My inability to STFU around cute guys is probably due to just plain old nervousness. It's a tick I've somehow developed by becoming nervous around these guys. The fact I am nervous around these guys is baffling to me. I don't remember ever being nervous around guys when I was up to a 7 on the figurative number line of coolness. If I liked a guy, I would be cool & confident and generally awesome. Now, since I experience more failure in the dating world then I do success, it's made me not cool, not confident and generally awkward.

In discussions with friends, I've explained my undying desire to one day be called charming. I don't know when this life goal developed. All I know is I've wanted it for years, only succeeding once (this was a particularly wonderful experience because I was called "unwittingly charming," one of the nicest compliments I've ever received). However, it is my belief that awkwardness is the antithesis of charm & therefore it is extremely difficult for me to achieve.

I've had friends try to convince me that perhaps I can develop an awkward charm that people (guys in particular) would find endearing. Though I am dubious that this is possible, maybe it is the best I can hope for, to be awkwardly charming, because this awkwardness doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon.

Love you.
Mean it.

Things I thought I'd know by now, Part 2

Back in August of 2010, I made a list of things I thought I'd know by now. I reread it for some reason and I'm very proud to say that I have learned some stuff. Here's what I know:

#1–I do know what kind of information you need to exchange when you get in a car accident. I learned this by, well, getting in a car accident. Gaining knowledge is not always fun.

#3–I know how to change a tire. I learned this by getting a flat tire at the end of my shift at Pizza Hut and having Trevor and Adam come out and help me change it.

#8–I know now when to use 'who' & 'whom.' (Hint: it depends on whether or not you're using it as the subject or object of the sentence. Grammar rules!)

#7–I know how to pick a good pineapple (Hint: pull one of the leafy things from the middle at the top. If it comes out easily, it's ripe). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for his help on that one).

#9–I know when to use 'effect' and 'affect.' (Hint: effect = noun; affect = verb). (Shout out to Davey Morrison Dillard for help on that one.)

So those are the things I now know from that list. I have also learned a few things just by, you know, living:

1. I know how the game of baseball works, the history of the sport, and a lot of the slang involved in the game.
2. I know that Joan Crawford & Bette Davis hated each other.
3. I know how to cut a pineapple (Hint: howtocutapineapple.com)
4. I know how to care for a tattoo.
5. I know how to give a little child eye drops/ear drops (Hint: wrap them up in a blanket and sit on them.)
6. I know how to check to see if there's going to be frost on your car in the morning
7. I know how to use twitter (follow me @mskellycannon)
8. I know a lot about feminist film theory
9. I know how to tell a convincing lie.
10. I know what the Doppler effect is.
11. I know what Schrödinger's cat is.
12. I know when it's okay to run a yellow light (in the legal sense).
13. I know how to take decent photos.
14. I know how to write a resume & cover letter
15. I know how a zollying shot is taken in the movies.

However, I've found there are plenty of other things I thought I'd know by now that I really don't. Here are just a sample of my new quandaries.

1. How to buy/rent an apartment in another state.
2. What's the difference between a good bourbon and a cheap bourbon (i.e. what's the difference between Maker's Mark and Old Crow?)
3. How to curl my hair with a curling iron
4. How to shave my legs so that they stay smooth longer
5. Whether I prefer salted or unsalted butter
6. How a combustible engine works
7. How a microwave works
8. How often one should change their sheets
9. What are good qualities to look for in a diamond
10. How to properly choose make up that's appropriate for my skin tone, etc.
11. How early is too early for a job interview
12. How to polish silver
13. How wrestling is scored
14. How crayons are made

I guess I don't have much to complain about. I mean, this is kind of what life is about, learning new things and then realizing there's so much more I don't understand about the world around me. It's depressing and exciting at the same time.

Oh, and I still don't know how much it costs to get something dry cleaned.

Love you.
Mean it.

20 things I learned in 2011

1. Always trust your gut. 
2. Be kind. People remember kindnesses. 
3. First impressions are not always right. But neither are second impressions, third impressions, nor fourth impressions. Sometimes you can be completely wrong about someone. 
4. It's a small world and will continually get smaller. 
5. After receiving rejection, take the rest of the day to get all the disappointment, frustration, self-loathing, etc. out & done with so tomorrow you can begin your attack once again. 
6. If you're unhappy alone, being with someone isn't going to change that.
7. Figure out what you believe in and then believe in it heart & soul. 
8. Your actions should always reflect what you believe in. 
9. Sometimes things work out. Other times things get a lot worse. And most of the time, there's nothing you can do to ever change that. 
10. Parents are a never-ending source of love and support. They will always, always be there for you, even if you don't want them to be. 
11. Friends are one of life's greatest gifts. Never give them up without a fight. 
12.  Sometimes avoiding something is more agonizing than actually confronting your problem. 
13. Don't let assholes ruin your day. 
14. You never have to do anything you don't want to do. It is your life and you get to make the decisions. However, you don't have a choice when it comes to the consequences of your decisions. You have to deal with those. 
15. The most awful day in the world can seem a million times better by coming home and having a dog run and jump into your arms. 
16. It is nearly essential for people to have that one friend whom you can trust & rely on. Knowing someone is close who cares keeps you sane. 
17. Sometimes the most powerful things you can say should never be shouted. 
18. Believe in yourself. Sometimes you are all you've got. 
19. Embrace every aspect of yourself. It's the combination of every last detail of yourself that people fall in love with every day. Never be ashamed of that. 
20. Live your life in a way that you feel like you're falling in love every time you wake up. 

Love you.

Mean it. 

#107: How do you define family?

The concept of family is one that has always been very important to me. I guess being raised in a religious household where the importance of family is always heavily emphasized has had a lasting effect on me. But like my definition of home, my definition of family extends way beyond the traditional sense of the word.

To me, family is a group of people who support you, endure with you (sometimes endure you), who will fight for you, stand by your side no matter what, and, most importantly, who will love you no matter what. They want you to be happy and will support you in your journey to happiness. Family gives you a place to stay when you have nowhere else to go. Family will listen to you when you need to get all the badness out of you. And all of these qualities are unconditional. They are there because you are family.

At the same time, family is there to give you a good swift kick in the ass because, damnit, you needed one. Family is there to shake you out of your self-pity-party and get you back on your feet. They were there for you when you needed comfort and empathy but they're also there when you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. They love you and sometimes, they need to supply tough love.

I want to point out that when I began this definition, I said, "family is a group of people..." To me, family can extend far beyond the reaches of your bloodline. You've heard people describe some of their friends as being "like family." To me, they are one in the same. I have had plenty of people in my life who have fulfilled the aforementioned qualities who were not related to me at all. Those people I would label family. I wouldn't necessarily label them as a brother or a sister or a specific family title but just the all-encompassing label of family.

And just like my definition of home, it's something that is always changing. Just like home is where you feel like you belong, family is also a place where you should feel like you belong.

If all of this is true, I have a considerably large family. And I consider myself very blessed.

Love you.
Mean it.